1. I was trying to recall the jingle for Mr. Christie’s cookies earlier. Everyone seems to remember that the slogan was “Mr. Christie, you make good cookies”, but there was a jingle in the commercials too, which probably incorporated this slogan. The problem was that each time I tried to remember this jingle, it kept [...]

Guys! Here’s a fun thing you can do* if you work with someone with a nut allergy. Wait until she’s busy working, then sneak up behind her and dangle your testicles on her unsuspecting head. Then say, “Oh, sorry! I forgot you were allergic to nuts!” and let merriment ensue.
* Read: “way to get fired”.

Here’s a story about Brain-Damaged Toula dating from around the time of SARS-stock that I forgot to post for about four years. Sorry about that.
Toula [entering living room]: There’s a show about the Rolling Stones on channel 40.
Me: The Rolling Stones are on every channel. We just finished watching an hour-long show about them.
Toula: What [...]

“Man, I was almost late. I had a blackout this morning. And when I came to, I was covered in someone else’s blood.”
“I don’t know how I feel about that Quizno’s Philly Cheesesteak. I could take in the first six inches with no problem, but the last six inches were kind of uncomfortable and painful.”
“Some [...]

[cross-posted from the old blog]
Good news! I rounded out my list of the top five worst things that have ever happened to me today. The first four are, in declining order, my philosophy of feminism class, jumping into the frigid waters of Lake Ontario in April to retrieve an errant frisbee, listening to Captain Beefheart’s [...]

Yes, I know my comments are still broken. Believe me, I miss being harangued by you nearly as much as you miss telling me off anonymously via the internet. However, I do have a new alternative venue for feedback, if you should feel so inclined.
After I made the demonstrably untrue claim “Everybody loves Peter Lynn!” [...]

I’m not sure what I did this time, but some crazy guy tried to pick a fight with me over the weekend.
Around six o’clock Saturday evening, I was strolling down to the Danforth to run some errands, and just as I rounded the corner just north of Pape Station where the camera is nailed to [...]

I came up with an idea for my next homemade T-shirt today. I’ll probably do this with yellow type on a red background. At any rate, it’ll just say “MUSTARD” across the front.
That way, when people ask me what’s up with my shirt, I’ll look down and exclaim, “Aw, shit! I got mustard on [...]

“I’ll still like you just as much whether or not you lose weight. It’ll just be easier to like you if you do.”
“You don’t fool me. I know the reason you liked Transformers so much is that you weren’t really born a woman.”
“I’m so hung like a horse that I eat my meals out of [...]

I told her to tell Perez Hilton he looks like Frankenstein’s monster really let himself get fat. And then she was to punch him in the face and yell, “Peter Lynn sent that!” I quite explicitly told my friend and fellow Golden Words alumna* Sofi Papamarko to do that, and yet, it appears she neglected [...]