“Keep in mind if you see any skidmarks in my underwear that they’re not mine. They were already there when I got them.”
“I don’t think there’s a lot of entertainment value in children dying. Except Anne Frank, of course.”
“Living well is truly the best revenge. That, and a beaker of acid in the face of [...]

Most of you born after 1985 will probably be confounded by the McDLT. Essentially, it was a method for McDonalds to serve a burger that simultaneously kept the hot side hot, kept the cool side cool, used an appalling amount of ecologically unsound styrofoam packaging, and humiliated a young and hungry Jason Alexander.* Just look [...]

I wouldn’t have thought Esquire and Cracked had a lot in common, but the former’s website has a very Cracked-like article detailing the five worst fight scenes ever filmed, complete with YouTube clips. It’s worth a read. Of course, they’re all awful, but then again, they’re all awesome if you like awful things. (I actually [...]

I recently mentioned my friend Barry, who’s tutoring a kid from Thailand. It seems I was much closer to the mark than I’d thought when I suggested his impersonating a spicy peanut satay sauce, as Barry’s most recent e-mail reveals:
So, Tuesday night I’m at my Thai kid’s place and he motions to me that he [...]

My Friday night fencing practice takes place in a gym situated in the basement of a church that, during the winter, is also host to a shelter program called In from the Cold. They have people stationed to check in the homeless at the same door where I enter.
This week, I showed up with my [...]

Q. Hey, Eric Clapton, how do you feel about your baby falling out of that window?
A.

The last we saw of my friend and former co-worker Barry, he was attempting without success to bring down the well-mannered wrath of the International Guild of Professional Butlers upon me. It seems, from a recent message, that he’s gone from attempting to sow discord among household helpers to sowing discord as a household helper [...]

I was a little late for fencing practice tonight because I had to give myself a little trim with the hair clippers. I buzzed my head down to my regular number zero haircut, went to practice, and went over to our usual Mexican restaurant with seven other club members.
While I was in the middle of [...]

Around this time last night, I was observing a hallowed pagan ritual of turning the lights off and pretending no one was home. Ironically, this was followed up tonight with an actual power failure. Power outages are far more common in my neighborhood than trick-or-treaters. You’d think it was a sketchy area.
Anyway, I spent that [...]