Michael Jackson gets enough, stops: Boogie blamed
Man, the media goes crazy whenever a young white woman dies under mysterious circumstances.
Michael Jackson died last night, his cause of death tentatively reported as cardiac arrest, to the despair of millions. Certainly they mourn his loss, but perhaps the greater disappointment is that it seems merely to have been heart failure. Wacko Jacko deserved to go out as weird as he lived.
That said, he’d long ago crossed over into what sportswriter Bill Simmons calls the Tyson Zone, where literally nothing you could have heard about him would have surprised you. Botched plastic surgery would have been the least eyebrow-raising cause of death, for example, even if the details were to leak that he was having tentacles attached to his face to make him resemble a mind flayer. If David Carradine hadn’t recently beaten him to the punch, autoerotic asphyxiation would have been the perfect way for him to go out, with its whiff of perversion, loneliness, and possible suicide. If he’d died in a treehouse collapse or been mauled by a tiger, it’d be easy to believe he’d put himself in a situation for that to happen. Even if it had been spontaneous combustion, you’d just think, Well, he had a history of that.
Of course, another possible cause of death may be having worked with Paul McCartney, who, after the deaths of John Lennon, Linda McCartney, and Jackson, has outlived just about all of his songwriting partners. Stevie Wonder had better watch himself — figuratively speaking, at least.
The upside of Jackson’s death — besides the prospect of family spokesman Jermaine Jackson trying to hog the limelight at the post-mortem press conference by dismissing all Michael-related questions as “not germane to the discussion” — is that we get to see all the crazy stuff in the will. Dollars to donuts, he has himself buried in a pyramid like an Egyptian pharaoh. It may even be the one from the “Remember the Time” video, in which case his will might decree that Eddie Murphy and Magic Johnson be killed and buried alongside him. Or his body might end up on display at a pilgrimage site like Lenin’s tomb, where millions may crowd around his glass casket to marvel at his miraculous lack of decomposition — which shouldn’t be surprising since he basically became his own Madame Tussaud’s wax effigy about ten years ago. On the other hand, his finances were in terrible shape. It’d be hilarious if the living relatives of Joseph Merrick, the so-called Elephant Man, bought Jacko’s skeleton and put it on display.
But whatever happens, the fact remains that the King of Pop is dead and — barring some kind of zombie resurrection, which we can’t rule out because Lord knows we’ve seen Zombie Michael Jackson before — gone. And so, according to the rules of succession, congratulations are due to Michael Jackson’s son Prince Michael on his accession to the throne. All hail the new King Michael!
And better luck next time, Prince Michael II! Of course, this saves Jackson’s younger son from the headaches of trying to decide what to call the heirs to his royal line; might Jackson’s grandson have been called Prince Michael II II? Prince Michael II Jr? Prince Michael III? Blanket Jr? It’s impossible to decide.
And it’s also a tough break for Justin Timberlake, who had been speculated to be positioning himself to become the new King of Pop. Of course, just as Michael Jackson consolidated his own position by marrying Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of the King of Rock and Roll, Timberlake may now seek to strengthen his own claim by marrying Jackson’s daughter, Paris.
But this is for the rock royalty to work out. Meanwhile, the masses are reeling from the shock of Jackson’s death, which is already being compared to the untimely passing of icons such as Elvis and Princess Diana. It’s hard to dispute, however, that Diana’s death, at least, was more shocking, if only because she was still young and beautiful, and people still wanted to bone her. Some people still had to bone Michael Jackson, to be certain, but they were just kids.
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Stevie Wonder had better watch himself — figuratively speaking, at least.
“…hog the limelight at the post-mortem press conference by dismissing all Michael-related questions as “not germane to the discussion” (Brilliant wordplay)
“…in which case his will might decree that Eddie Murphy and Magic Johnson be killed and buried alongside him.”
It’d be hilarious if the living relatives of Joseph Merrick, the so-called Elephant Man, bought Jacko’s skeleton and put it on display.
Hey Peter, I can definitely appreciate the comedy in death, man. Your painstaking, side-spllittingly hilarious and biting write up is nowhere near as callous and tasteless as the recent crop of jokes which erupted at Jackson’s expense all over the internet. It doesn’t cheapen the circumstances at all.
He might not have been the most dignified artist but I’ll choose to remember the juggernaut talent which he wielded with such an alarming ease.
Great write-up Peter!
I can’t tell if Tupps is being sarcastic or not. I don’t believe there’s such a thing as inappropriate jokes. The only bad joke is one that’s not funny.
Having said that, Michael Jackson sure was funny looking and a child molester, huh guys?
Ahh…the drawbacks of seemingly “emotionless”, typed-out opinions become apparent already, i wasn’t being sarcastic at all ehh rupert. Peter really did write some funny lines in his post, and of course there’s no such thing as an inappropriate joke. Just read his post on Michael Richards for a preview.
if these jokes were in fact appropriate, i would’ve emulated a fellow reader and duly threatened to report Peter already, as evidenced by his previous Banter Report.
I like how tough I am behind a keyboard. Haha.
P.S. that germane joke is still a gold mine. i’ve been reading it again and again in my head.
When M.J. died, i could only think of Farrah Fawcett, getting Di’d. As in the reference in your reference about Princess Diana, dying on the same weekend as Mother Theresa.
What I remember most is when she opened a respite care centre for AIDS patients in N.Y. city and it was luxuriously outfitted by corporate donations, she had everything removed so “Those Fags” could suffer for thier sins. She was also sure to have her picture taken on any visits to the ” less fortunate”.
I just pictured the santimonious old crone on her deathbed imagining the outpouring of grief at her passing, her carefully crated image of saintliness carrying on after she left this mortal coil. Then that bitch Diana croaked and stole the spotlight.
Poor Farrah. Good woman, good actress, nice person, should be a few kind words spoken upon her death. Bit, NOOOoooooOOOO.
Somebody more famous died. Farrah Who?
Then there’s Joe Jackson , Dad of Dead, at the latest awards show, seeing a payday in his son’s death. It was always about the money.Maybe if he had been a Father instead of a manager, M.J. would have been an entertainer instead of a diddling freakazoid.
Never under estimate the Zombies.NEVER !
May Michael Jackson rest in peace despite some of the negative things said about him.
A rememberance of Micheal Jackson that just doesn’t sound right.
” he touched a lot of people, especially the children, in special ways.”
The two people I am really happy to see dead…the child molester and my ex boss, Susan M.
You are just a vile specimen..Michael Jackson was no child molester..The only ‘freak’ that I can see is you..It’s because of people like you that he’s dead..Driven to an early grave. But rest easy..There is a special place reserved in hell for you my friend..You and all those like you.
*golf clap*
Sometimes the unintentional funny just writes itself.
“There is a special place reserved in hell for you my friend..You and all those like you.”
What People Are Saying about Peter Lynn!
I see that it’s already in there. I just assumed it would be with the collection of other comments that told you that you were going to hell.
Good point! I’ll move it.
It is because of people like me that he’s dead. I don’t know what I was thinking, prescribing him that overdose of Propofol.
This is your most profound effect on the record industry since the time you force fed Elvis that peanut butter and toilet sandwich.
Not to mention that time that he crashed the plane with Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper on board.
And of course, when he gave Freddy Mercury AIDS.
I think what amuses me the most is that Carelesslove46 has probably been trolling the internet since MJ died, having a whine at people.
Good work Carelesslove46 (may I call you Care?); you’re already up to the letter “M” in your crusade.