50 years of Wayne Gretzky

26Jan11

Today is the fiftieth birthday of the Great One, Wayne Gretzky, which is a much bigger deal than the fiftieth birthday of his old Edmonton Oilers teammate and Hall of Famer Mark Messier, which took place a few days ago. I know this because the media has been gushing over him and reliving favorite Gretzky memories, such as his record 50 goals in 39 games, his “Waikiki Hockey” sketch on Saturday Night Live, and his nailing of Madonna in her prime (oh wait, that last one was actually Messier). My most indelible Gretzky memory never happened. Rather, it took place in a dream a few years ago, and this is how it went:

The television says, “And now, a public service message from hockey legend Wayne Gretzky.” The Great One himself appears on the TV, standing on the deck of his yacht, which is sailing in tropical waters.

“AIDS is a huge threat today,” says Wayne, brow furrowed in concern. “And other forms of sexual disease are on the rise. In addition, teen pregnancy is a serious problem.”

“So,” Wayne continues, “when you feel the need to engage in sexual activity, I suggest you do as I do.”

With that, Wayne leaps over the railing of his yacht and dives into the water. He swims around until he sees a giant cod swimming around. It looks surprised, making that gap-mouthed fish face as Wayne grabs it and wrestles it into position.

Wayne thrusts his erect penis into the fish’s mouth and pumps away furiously, grinning and laughing, and giving a big thumbs-up to the camera.

“This public service message was paid for by Wayne Gretzky,” says the TV.

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