50 years of Wayne Gretzky

26Jan11

Today is the fiftieth birthday of the Great One, Wayne Gretzky, which is a much bigger deal than the fiftieth birthday of his old Edmonton Oilers teammate and Hall of Famer Mark Messier, which took place a few days ago. I know this because the media has been gushing over him and reliving favorite Gretzky memories, such as his record 50 goals in 39 games, his “Waikiki Hockey” sketch on Saturday Night Live, and his nailing of Madonna in her prime (oh wait, that last one was actually Messier). My most indelible Gretzky memory never happened. Rather, it took place in a dream a few years ago, and this is how it went:

The television says, “And now, a public service message from hockey legend Wayne Gretzky.” The Great One himself appears on the TV, standing on the deck of his yacht, which is sailing in tropical waters.

“AIDS is a huge threat today,” says Wayne, brow furrowed in concern. “And other forms of sexual disease are on the rise. In addition, teen pregnancy is a serious problem.”

“So,” Wayne continues, “when you feel the need to engage in sexual activity, I suggest you do as I do.”

With that, Wayne leaps over the railing of his yacht and dives into the water. He swims around until he sees a giant cod swimming around. It looks surprised, making that gap-mouthed fish face as Wayne grabs it and wrestles it into position.

Wayne thrusts his erect penis into the fish’s mouth and pumps away furiously, grinning and laughing, and giving a big thumbs-up to the camera.

“This public service message was paid for by Wayne Gretzky,” says the TV.



3 Responses to “50 years of Wayne Gretzky”

  1. Peter, you fool! That was also actually Messier!

  2. 2 Eric

    So how come when Wayne does it, he’s called ‘The Great One’, but when I do it, I’m called ‘The Cod ****er’?

  3. 3 Scott

    Peter, you fool! That was actually that guy Chris S. that we went to high school with!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: