Ruddy Ruddy

Back when I lived at the original LIP-JOES house in Kingston, we used to occasionally receive mail from Columbia House addressed to “Ruddy Ruddy.” I always thought this was great. Ruddy Ruddy? That’s not even a name! It wasn’t even “Rudy Ruddy,” which could actually be a name. And why “Ruddy”? It seemed like an odd word to pick. It kind of conjured up a face to go with the name, like a red-faced Scotsman so incredibly ruddy, he actually had to be named “Ruddy” — and not just once, but twice. And at the same time, the whole repeating-name thing seemed foreign and exotic, like “Zsa Zsa” or “Bora Bora.” Some previous resident at our address had obviously bilked Columbia House out of free CDs by using a fake name, and really rubbed their faces in it by using the fakest name possible. For this reason, it’s the greatest fake name I’ve ever heard.

Today, I got a package of free coupons addressed to Ruddy Ruddy! I was startled for a moment. Was he following me from house to house? Or rather, was I somehow unknowingly following him? Then I vaguely remembered signing up for free stuff with that name months ago, in commemoration of the original fakester. And it worked! I hope I get all kinds of free stuff under this name, and I encourage you to do it too. As for my package of coupons, I’m not using any of them. I’m framing the whole thing unopened to celebrate the launching of my career in mail fraud, just like a millionaire might frame the first dollar he ever made.

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