Ruddy Ruddy may already be a winner!


“You have other stuff here,” my housemate said, gesturing at a pile on the table.

“I don’t care about my real mail!” I answered gleefully. Because I had mail for Ruddy Ruddy!

Indeed, Ruddy Ruddy has achieved the gold standard of junk mail reception: an “important notice” from Publisher’s Clearing House. The back of the envelope was emblazoned with red handwriting that read, “Someone with these initials will be a winner!” This exciting message was followed by an arrow that pointed to a circle with the initials “RR” in it. Who could it be? It couldn’t be Rod Roddy, because he’s dead. It could be Ruddy Ruddy! It may very well be that Ruddy Ruddy will be a winner!

Naturally, I opened the envelope at once, my fingers trembling with anticipation. Inside was the Important Notice mentioned on the outside of the envelope. More red handwriting in the upper left-hand corner counseled, “I urge you to read this!” Say no more, I thought, and read it at once. Here is what it said:

A $10,000,000.00 WINNER THIS FEBRUARY 26TH?

Publisher’s Clearing House confirms that someone
with the initials RR will definitely win a prize on this date!

December 29, 2003 — Publisher’s Clearing House, famous for awarding millions of dollars in prizes, is pleased to announce that Toronto resident RUDDY RUDDY could win $10,000,000.00 this February 26th when the Prize Patrol surprises a new winner with a BIG cheque, flowers, balloons, and champagne!

Ruddy Ruddy currently holds SuperPrize Number 4449 6498 1014, a number cleared for winner selection precessing upon timely return — which means that it is included in the valid range of numbers fully eligible to win $10,000,000.00.

The February 26th winners list could include the name RUDDY RUDDY since someone with the initials RR will definitely be declared a winner of either $100.00 or maybe even the $10,000,000.00 SuperPrize.

“Winners do not know we are coming,” says Dave Sayer, head of the Prize Patrol. “We just give them the good news while the video camera rolls, and see what their reaction is.” The February 26th SuperPrize will bring the total amount of major prizes awarded by Publishers Clearing House to over $293 million.

How might RUDDY RUDDY react should the Prize Patrol show up with the “Big Cheque”? Perhaps like some past winners who screamed, cried, or even jumped for joy.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR RUDDY RUDDY: Do not delay. No one knows what the winning number is but it could be in your hands right now. Enter your number that’s cleared for Winner Selection Processing by completing the enclosed instructions. The February 2nd deadline is fast approaching.

Hot diggety! This may be the best thing that’s ever happened to Ruddy Ruddy! I especially like how they list the amount to two decimal places so it looks even bigger; a quick look might make you think you’re going to win a billion dollars. The only bad thing about it is that Ed McMahon no longer seems to be involved. Oh, and the mountains of crap I’d undoubtedly sign myself up to get if I entered. Crap like the Original DividePro, colorized state quarters, the Deluxe Gopher (Ruddy Price only $29.99), and about a hundred other things advertised on enclosed flyers.

Well, I’m still booking February 26 off work and staying home all day to wait for the “big cheque.” I was looking for an excuse anyway.

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