The art of talking big


It’s not unusual to get a song caught in your head. (In fact, I might have stuck one in your noggin just by starting with “It’s not unusual.) Sometimes, though, you’ll run across a bit of dialogue so catchy in its cadence, so downright musical, that it’ll get caught in your head and won’t leave.

This happened today with a mini-monologue from an episode of Trailer Park Boys delivered by Bernie Sanford, President of the International Association of Trailer Park Supervisors and Assistant Trailer Park Supervisors — or as I think of him, the trailer park supervisor supervisor. Looking like a low-rent Morgan Freeman, he got in Ricky’s face and snarled through gritted teeth,

You have crossed a line with me. I’ve had guys throw barbecues at me. They’ve broken the windows out of my car. They’ve cursed and sworn at me. But the bottom line is: I ain’t sugar! And if the right hook comes out, crazy motherfuckers like you get knocked out! Don’t you look me in the eye, boy! I ain’t got no candy for you! No candy … except the right hook!

Now I can’t stop talking smack. On my way home, there were some Mormons on the subway, just riding around, hoping to talk people into joining up. (Here’s an idea for you, Mormons: If you’re going to bother people during their commute home, why just do the public transit crowd? You could probably license Jan and Dean’s “Surf City” pretty cheaply and hit a lot of commuters with a drive-time radio commercial. That “two girls for every boy” vocal hook is catchy and would really drive home the main selling point of your religion.)

So the Mormons are just riding the subway, and I’m sitting there working on my material in case they try to talk to me. What horrible, unjustified things can I say to these guys who are only trying to spread God’s word? Beyond threatening the usage of unbelievable destructive power (which you should obviously do) the ideal line of smack ought to fit the recipient, I think. There are lines you can use on just about anyone, like threatening to hit them so hard that it’ll knock a chromosome loose and all their babies will come out retarded. But say you’re threatening someone from another country. Isn’t it more fitting to say you’ll beat them so bad it’ll devalue their nation’s currency?

Maybe Back off, bible boy, or you’ll be talking to Jesus in person would work. Not bad, but it could be a little fresher. Maybe something along the lines of Don’t make me get all Old Testament on your ass. It’ll work, but it was done better by “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, who even cited chapter and verse when he said, “Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass!” If you’re going to bother threatening guys like the Mormons, you really ought to come up with material they haven’t heard a million times before. People probably tell them off a lot.

What I ended up deciding on was I’ll hit you so hard, you’ll turn into a pillar of salt.

I think that’s a pretty good threat. I wish I’d had the chance to use it, but they never did actually try to talk to me.

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