What a liar I am again


I’m starting to become a pathological liar. Take my word for it. Or don’t.

Anyway, I’ve been spinning a web of baldfaced fibs all day and having a grand old time. I started by casually slipping into conversation with one girl that I have a habit of getting women pregnant and then abandoning them. “That totally changes the way I look at you,” she said. “You don’t seem the type.” She said this, oddly enough, in a way that seemed both surprised and more than a little intrigued. Attracted, even. She may be looking for a babydaddy.

Then I moved on to a friend whom I recently deceived into believing that Scientific American singled him out as a homosexual. I had some interesting information for him about how one of the greatest guitar heroes of our time was in fact a guitar villain. “Hey,” I exclaimed. “I found out why Joe Satriani shaved his head!”

“Because he was going bald, right?” he responded.

“No! The courts ordered him to because he raped Eric Johnson with a curling iron on the 1996 G3 tour!”


“Yeah! The courts sentenced him to 15 years of baldness to keep it from happening again!”

Holy shit!”

“So that’s why Eric Johnson didn’t do the G3 tour again.”

“Wait, I thought he did.”

“Well, maybe they patched things up eventually. But Johnson sure wasn’t back the next year!”

“That’s insane! Where’d you hear about this!”

“Nowhere! I made it up,” I said.

“You asshole.”

Then I ran into another guy who asked how I was doing. “Not good,” I said. “Scotty from Star Trek is dead.”

“Really?” he said. “How’d he go?”

“Transporter accident,” I said.

Later, a friend visited with her new baby. (I’ve previously boasted about being the one to have gotten her pregnant, a claim made to impress the new girl at work. It didn’t work, but it did get me slapped with child-support payments, so convincing was my lie.) After she left, I mentioned to my friend to whom I’d told my story about Joe Satriani that I’d been so excited to see the new baby that I’d shoved another woman out of the way to do so.

“The interesting thing about that,” he said, ” is that she’s pregnant herself.”

I was disappointed. The other woman has obviously been pregnant for several months, which is what I thought made my claim so wild. But not only did he accept the premise that I might have actually shoved her, but he also apparently accepted the premise that I might not have noticed that she’s ready to drop. I think I’ve been insulted. And the lie certainly didn’t go off as I’d hoped.

I’ll try again later. I’ll mention to him that Frank Sinatra once namechecked MC Hammer as the greatest showman in contemporary popular entertainment and “the new Sammy Davis Jr.” I’ve been looking to try that one out, and I think he’ll take the bait. He trusts me. He shouldn’t.

What a liar I am.

4 Responses to “What a liar I am again”

  1. 1 Nick

    I think it’s the “new Sammy Davis” that will make that claim have just that bizarro ring of possible verisimilitude you’re looking for.

  2. 2 Peter

    That part was a late addition to the plan, and now I’m glad I threw it in there.

  3. 3 Scott

    You’d better take back those medals and trophies you didn’t earn again. But seriously, I got some great chuckles out of this post. Nice work.

  1. 1 Gaa! « Man vs. Clown!

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