I require the following


Dear co-worker,

As a copy editor, part of my job is precision — that is, picking the exact word for the situation. Consequently, when you foist your own work upon me, I request that you at least take on this small duty of mine in return. For example, I require is an audacious phrase to use when asking a very large favour. I request is a more appropriate choice.

In general, the more presumptuous the language used when asking me to do something that is clearly not in my job description but is in fact exactly what you were hired to do, the exponentially longer it seems to take to comprehend your request. If you could please make more apt word choices in future, I may then be able to spring all the sooner to the task of doing your job for you, you lazy douchebag.

Peter Lynn,
Copy Editor

18 Responses to “I require the following”

  1. 1 N

    um… but why do it at all?i require that you tell me. 🙂

  2. 2 Riley

    That’s so cute how you used an emoticon to show that you were being sarcastic.Cute is not a compliment.

  3. 3 Kendal

    But I get called all the time! I thought that was a good thing! I’m going to my room to write gothic poetry in my blood and tears.

  4. 4 Peter Lynn

    Good question, N, and one that demands a comment longer than the original post itself.Sometimes you do an orphaned task outside your job description for somebody in your department because he’s not around, and you do it way better than he’s ever done it. Naturally, you get stuck with it, and the big boss decides you should keep doing it. Then, the company gets restructured, and someone gets hired whose new role should certainly include your little spare task, but he or she is lazy, and so is his or her assistant to which he or she might delgate these little tasks, for that matter. Fortunately for them, they learn how this little unwanted little job was handled in the past when there was no one else. You would of course have no problem politely telling either of these people to fuck off and do their own jobs for which they are paid so much money. However, the actual requests are filtered through the big boss who remembers how good you are at it, and there’s not a lot that you or even your manager can do. Except blog about it, of course.So, let that be a lesson to you: Never excel at anything outside your job description, for you run the risk of adding to your job description. God knows that’s why I generally keep quiet about the fact that I finished first in my class in my graphic design program at college. It’s bad enough they know I can write.Also, all of you are cute. Stop fighting.

  5. 5 Kendal

    Hello Peter, long time reader first time[s] commenter.And I was clearly not being cute, I was being an angsty teenager as I am want to do.Now back to the fightin’.

  6. 6 SamuraiFrog

    Angsty teenagers are also, apparently, “wont” to misuse grammar in a post about grammar.Or was that comment too cute?

  7. 7 Peter Lynn

    But Kendal, you posted a comment earlier, so this latest one can’t be your first time. Unless, of course, your life runs backward, from birth to death. In that case, I would ask if you know anything about my future, but sadly, what is your first post from your perspective must necessarily be your last post from my perspective. Will I ever learn what the future holds for me, or will I have to wait and see?

  8. 8 Anonymous

    Cute, Lynn…. Very cute.

  9. 9 Matt

    I just quit my job under an extreme set of circumstances like this. And to tell you the truth, I’m glad I did. Things are already looking up.

  10. 10 Peter Lynn

    A comedy of errors resulted from this one. The big boss saw me this morning, and the conversation went kind of like this:”Did you do that thing?””No, I never got e-mailed the info I needed.””But it has to be done by ten!””Well, I never got e-mailed the info I needed.””But I saw her e-mail it to you!””I never got e-mailed the info I needed!” (Starting to lose patience here.)I checked my inbox to make sure. Yes, I had never been e-mailed the info I needed. The big boss went to investigate. It turned out the foister had indeed written an e-mail with all the info I needed, but sent it to two other people who didn’t need it without copying me in on it. So she forwarded it, I did her job, and she didn’t give me so much as a thank-you afterward.However, I did have another irritating conversation with the big boss later after overhearing something about a big change in our procedures and expressing surprise.”Why don’t you ever read your e-mail?” he asked in irritation.”I never got it.””I sent out two bulletins.””I never got them.””Aren’t you part of the ‘All Marketing’ group?””You mean ‘Marketing, All’?””It’s the same thing!””To us. Maybe not when you type it into Lotus Notes.””Well, I sent it to all of Marketing.”So I checked Lotus Notes. No such e-mail had been sent to “Marketing, All”. And there wasn’t any “All Marketing” group, as I suspected. It turned out that he’d just sent the news out to the marketing managers (although not to mine, to whom the news was also a surprise). It turned out a lot of other people didn’t know about it.So, I twice got chastised for failing to read or respond to e-mail I was never actually sent. I don’t know if it’s creeping senility or just overwork, but the big boss just doesn’t know how to use e-mail. I think if there’s a technological solution to his problems, it’s to forget about Lotus Notes and maybe get something like Cerebro, that mental telepathy chair from X-Men 2 so he can just sit in it and beam his thoughts directly into our heads. That seems to be more or less what he expects should happen anyway.

  11. 11 Riley

    You could always just show him how to use Lotus Notes. I’m sure that once he sees you handle it with ease your troubles will be over.

  12. 12 Peter Lynn

    Man, that’s ironic. If I could just show people how easy it was to use a simple computer program and have them realize they were capable of working for themselves efficiently, I wouldn’t have been taking on anyone else’s work in the first place.

  13. 13 Kendal

    Thanks for correcting me, samuraifrog. I just learnt how to change gears in the car and everytime I learn something new it pushes the old stuff out of my brain.Peter, I figured I had better do something of an introduction instead of suddenly appearing and seamless integrating myself into your life after finding out your home address and favourite cafe.I’m pretty sure I am living from birth to death, but since I have no other personal experience to relate it to I don’t know whether my birth was actually what everyone else experiences as death.

  14. 14 Ken

    I’ll be honest with you Kendal, I don’t think you commenting here is going to work. You see, we’ve already got someone here who’s first three letters in his name is K-E-N. And he’s pretty integral to giving Peter material right now. In fact, one can only imagine what kind of crazy posts he’ll come up with out of this comment alone.It’s just not going to work.

  15. 15 Peter Lynn

    Now, now, Ken. “And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.”As you may know, that’s 1 Peter 4:8, and it’s so named because it’s the number one point I always try to make on my birthday, which is April 8. However, I’ll say it again today, because I think you can share the first couple of letters of your name.As for you, Kendal, I am happy to hear your comments. I also keep pushing stuff out of my brain. For instance, every time I watch Rock and Roll Jeopardy, I forget the birthdays of my niece and nephew. I have problems remembering all new birthdays, actually, but with you, that may be a good thing: As there is a possibility that what you perceive as your birthday is actually your death-day, if I knew it, I would surely get very tense at that time of the year.

  16. 16 Kendal

    But Ken, while the first three letters in my name are K, E and N, the other three are what distinguish me from such short-named gentlemen as yourself.Of course I could always change my name to Brittany or Tiffany or Amanda and say ‘lyke’ a lot while twirling my hair.

  17. 17 N


  1. 1 Reminder to bossy co-workers who are not actually bosses « Man vs. Clown!

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