Bright red buttocks


As a rule, the people who say, “We always talk about the weirdest things!” usually don’t. I had a lunchtime conversation of the sort that dull people proudly participate in because they seem rather offbeat, even though they’re actually a little dull for the tastes of people who are even a little offbeat: namely, if you were an animal, what kind would you be?

It actually began by specifically asking which kind of animal would you most like to have the powers of. One guy, his mouth full, said he’d like the speed of a chipmunk. I said I’d like the intelligence of a human. Challenged to come up with another answer, I said I’d like to be able to regrow teeth like a shark, because then I could get in fights all the time without worrying about them being knocked out. Plus, the biting ability would help too.

The conversation devolved into what kind of animal people would like to actually be. One girl said she’d like to be a penguin, because then she’d always be dressed up and with her family. The girl I eat lunch with every day had no idea. I did, though. “You’d be a mandrill,” I said.

“A what?”

“A mandrill. They’re those baboons with the bright red buttocks. Because you’re so proud of your ‘badonkadonk’.” I made the little air quotes as I said the last word because, unlike her, I’m far too white to be saying the word “‘badonkadonk”. It’s an apt comparison. I’ve never seen anyone as ostentatiously vain about her booty as she is. She shows it to anyone who’ll look. She’s a mandrill.

Normally, I highly recommend against comparing a black co-worker to a monkey, but as I said, it’s an apt comparison in this particular case. It’s not like this one can protest the odd bit of insensitivity anyway, considering the way she habitually rips on white people. Just the other day, she was complaining about how the “stupid white girl” in the cafeteria shortchanged her.

“Why do you have to say ‘white’?” A co-worker asked.

“She didn’t used to think she had to say ‘stupid’,” I said. “Too redundant. We’re making progress.”

She didn’t like being a mandrill, though. She pouted for the rest of lunch. “I can’t believe you made me a baboon,” she said periodically. I’m just glad she didn’t think I called her a Mandrell. If I’d compared her to a cornfed cracker country music singer like Barbara Mandrell, I hate to think of what she’d do.

4 Responses to “Bright red buttocks”

  1. 1 A Sheltered Town

    I would be a Stegosaurus.

  2. 2 Dickolas Wang


  3. 3 Dickolas Wang

    As a rule, the people who say, “We always talk about the weirdest things!” usually don’t.If HTTP supported high fives, I’d high five you.

  4. 4 Peter Lynn

    The quote that always leaps to mind:”We’re like this all the time!“Marge Simpson, “The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour”

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