Semenex: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your spunk?

17Jan06

There’s just no way I get paid enough to find out how my co-workers make their semen taste better.

For reasons I won’t get into but which are, implausibly, work-related, a tub of Semenex got passed around the office a few weeks ago. This product is meant to, in the words of a co-worker, “enhance the flavor of your man juice.” A tub of it  It felt greasy to the touch, but that might have been my imagination. But what really appalled me was the price: $54.99 for 30 servings of what seems to essentially be powdered fruit drink.

“Couldn’t you get the same results from quitting smoking, eating less red meat, and eating a lot of pineapple?” I asked. “In fact, I bet that’s just pineapple Kool-Aid.”

“No, it’s more than that,” he said. “It has pineapple, broccoli, banana, celery, strawberry, fructose, cinnamon, ginger, and nutmeg.”

Broccoli? What the hell?”

“Broccoli is one of the best vegetables for making your semen taste better,” he said in an authoritative tone.

I held up my hands, conceding the point. “All right. You’re the connoisseur.”

He grumbled about that one. But then we went back to coming up with advertising taglines for Semenex. (My favorite was “Make your goo good!” although with a change in the ingredients, I’d go with “Make your man come with mango!”)

My co-worker had to do a little write-up on Semenex, and when I saw it, I let him know how disturbed I was about his obscene discussion of such a dirty, sinful, unwholesome topic as oral sex. After all, I pointed out, God intended conjugal relations to take place in a respectful face-to-face manner for the purpose of procreation within the sanctity of a committed, loving, Christian marriage. He didn’t buy this coming from me, probably because I’m the guy who, when asked during my job interview whether I would be offended by the images of scantily clad people that I would be encountering on a daily basis, essentially answered, “No fat chicks.”

I was thrown by this line, though:

All is going well, you’re feeling good, you’re almost to the point of explosion, and then your girl throws in the towel before your dolphin has been fully flogged! 

Initial reaction: What?

Considered reaction: I know our target market eat a lot of tuna, but I was really hoping Semenex was dolphin-safe.



9 Responses to “Semenex: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your spunk?”

  1. 1 Anonymous

    “…before your dolphin has been fully flogged”?? That is a seriously wretched metaphor.BTW, it’s true that eating less meat — or cutting it out altogether — makes for more palatable semen.Elizabeth

  2. 2 Anonymous

    Why not forget all of this semen tampering bullshit and just hold the back of her damned head?

  3. 3 Tom

    Or wrap your penis in delicious bacon?

  4. 4 Peter Lynn

    That’s also the very best way for a former Jew to restore his foreskin after leaving the faith.

  5. 5 Anonymous

    I LOVE the title of this entry.

  6. 6 Peter Lynn

    From the FAQ at the Semenex website:Does Semenex have any negative effect on sperm potency?Again… absolutely none. If you’re trying to conceive a child, Semenex could only possibly help in that pursuit given its highly nutritional content and its formulation specifically designed to help replenish in the male the very “building blocks” needed to produce semen.Let’s not forget that Semenex contains no potentially harmful ingredients of any kind, only highly concentrated fruits and vegetables, as well as spices, vitamins and minerals. How does it help you conceive a child if all your newly delicious sperm is going down your now-enthusiastic partner’s throat instead of into her vagina?

  7. 7 Team Semenex

    While it is understandable that clowns probably don’t get much action, oral or otherwise, for the rest of us vaginal and oral sex are both enjoyed… and often together. (I’ll pause as you recover from the shock such a revelation surely must have caused you.) Thus, as we had received questions from our customers re: whether Semenex might affect sperm potency, we were happy to reply.Now, as reading skills are apparently also in demand among those with a predeliction for white face paint, if you can find “pineapple Kool-Aid” or any other “fruit drink” capable of sweetening your load… buy it! However, as repeatedly stated and explained at our product website, Semenex main ingredients are 9 times more concentrated than in Nature. Thus, while obviously more expensive than “Kool-Aid”, yet $1.83 per daily serving is a lot less expensive than going to the store and buying ingredients equivalent to nine 8-oz. glasses of pineapple, banana, celery, broccoli, and strawberry juices. And that doesn’t include Semenex’ additional ingredients.

  8. 8 Peter Lynn

    Okay, you’re the connoisseurs.


  1. 1 Team Semenex shoots off all over MvC « Man vs. Clown!

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