Sex Bully


This might be considered NSFW. It’s probably not really NSFW, but your mileage may vary. I mean, my IT department has locked out anything related to Pamela Anderson no matter what the context, won’t let me look up the lyrics to “What’s New, Pussycat?”, and now has completely locked out, citing objectionable content. (Why, I couldn’t possibly imagine.) So, just in case your IT department is as prudish as mine, or just in case you don’t want to read a whole lot of dirty language, the rest of this post is below the fold, as they say.

Submitted for your consideration: The pornography industry is a wellspring of muscular, vigorous writing, containing some of the most inventive, direct, and vivid English around.

Here’s an example to prove my point. Around 2001 or 2002, the late SatireWire had an annual “Poetry Spam” contest in which entrants would employ Dadaist cut-up techniques to turn phrases from unsolicited e-mail advertisements into original works of poetry. Because I’d happened to have accidentally been registered with several pornography websites by a burglar who’d repeatedly sneaked into my house to use my internet connection, I happened to have a surfeit of X-rated spam in my Hotmail inbox, which I was able to massage into the following work:


Do you have massive debt?
Want to reduce wrinkles by 61%?
Do you have too many bills?
A product to share with the world?
Do you have high interest rates?
Top quality lingerie?
How about shaved twats 
big twats
hairy twats 
close up shots
That will make you blow your load!
Mouth watering anal shots by the buttload!
How about shaved twats?
Rolling out like a juggernaut!

Hot girls & animals! Free teen slits!
Young! Young! Young sluts do nasty ass shit!
Obtain the admiration of all
with the youngest sluts allowed by law!

These wild and horny bitches
will make you pop your load in minutes!
I lost 15 POUNDS right away!
Don’t like any of these sites? You must be gay!
Here are free gay sites! Teen twinks
will cost you less than buying us a drink!
Get off for free!
Remember, this is not a get-rich-quick scheme!

Did you receive an e-mail advertisement in error?
If you wish to be removed, click here.
It’s a jungle out there! Click here if you dare!

Even without all the exclamation marks, this is extremely active, extroverted language. Clearly, pornographers are no shrinking violets, but rather master marketers, albeit in the same way that the cover of the National Enquirer is garish but calculated to sell as many issues as possible.

And it looks like the smarty-pants linguists at Language Log agree with me, with Arnold Zwicky contributing a recent post examining the language used on the covers of gay porn magazines, which can be summed up in the following excerpt:

You’ll notice how much language play there is in these teasers: puns, metaphors, rhyme, alliteration, even assonance in “Tuff Punk”. I can’t imagine that the readership of Torso and Honcho and their brother jerk-off mags includes an unusually large number of men appreciative of language play. Instead, I’m guessing that the writers of the teasers adopt a style also found in headlines for feature stories (we’ve several times had occasion to remark here on these practices in science writing), and for a similar reason: to catch the readers’ attention and hold their interest, when a plain description might be bland and uncompelling. The content of most of the pieces in these magazines pretty much reduces to Guy Fucks Guy or Guy Sucks Guy, so we need details and eye-catching language.

Among Zwicky’s examples of said eye-catching language are the following:

  • Marines Share Spunky A-Hole
  • Cocksure Stud’s Throat-Stretching Exercises
  • Straight Bait’s Butt-Hungry Boner
  • Horn-Dog Twinks in Rump-Roasting Romp
  • Sex Bully Pumps Rump

And this brings me to my real point: Whatever it takes, I want — I need — my job title officially changed to “Sex Bully”. These are my two new favorite words. The combination is magic. I don’t even know what a Sex Bully does. I hope he’s more of a dominant top than a rapist. I’m pretty sure he’s not a copy editor, which is what I actually do. I know Jay has long been pressing for me to change me to change my job title to “Rough Sex Specialist”, but this is clearly more direct and to the point. I must become a Sex Bully.

Pending a discussion with management, I remain possibly

Peter Lynn,
Sex Bully

4 Responses to “Sex Bully”

  1. 1 Nick

    A Sex Bully must be someone who bullies people during sex, about sex. For instance, “Turn 180 degrees around. (clenching fist) Do iiiiiiit. Now, you better bounce for me, or else. Right on.” It’s consensual, but just barely.

    Also, come on by, I’m having a blog party, and it would be great if you made an appearance.

  2. “Sex Bully” is the greatest job title of all time. You *must* have business cards made.

  3. I can’t even get business cards made for my real job.

  4. me talking-

    im a sex bully.i bully about sex.

    now my friend is talking-

    im straight.not.

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