I’m an oaf


“Think of the sword like a bird. Clutch it too tightly and you choke it. Too lightly and it flies away.”

Doutreval of Dijon, Scaramouche

I’m an oaf. I always thought you had to be a lot taller to be an oaf, but it’s clear that I’m a bumbling, clumsy oaf nonetheless. This morning, I filled a cup of coffee from a new pot and as I reached over to get a lid, the cup buckled and I spilled coffee all over the place again. “Fuh!” I yelled, remembering at the last moment that I’m trying to cut down on swearing. At least I didn’t wait to get upstairs and throw it all over my desk this time.

I swear, I don’t know my own grip strength. If you’re thinking of letting me hold your baby, don’t. I’ll crush that thing into a red mist. It’s like I’ve got giant metal pincers for hands. Maybe burns from previous coffee spills have given me nerve damage and deadened the pressure sensors in my fingers.

I spilled boiling hot coffee all over my hands this time, in fact. Only, it didn’t hurt at all. Maybe my temperature sensors are destroyed too. But I think it’s because it’s been so hot lately; I was already acclimated to the temperature, and it felt like slipping into a warm bath.

3 Responses to “I’m an oaf”

  1. 1 Ryan Jett

    Maybe you could get some extra work as a Bond villian or something. They could call you “Handsy” and you could intimidate people with your ability to pour really, really hot liquids over your hands. Tell me that’s not terror-inducing…

  2. Coincidentally, Janet and I have in fact been discussing becoming Bond villains recently. We’re going to start by playing Battleship, as that is a game that supervillains enjoy in their off-hours.

  3. 3 hilly

    I would have you pegged as an X-Mutant myself. Superhuman resistance to pain, incredible strength, the ability to generate endless drama just from the seemingly mundane act of living your life…

    I think your mutant name should be…Headwound! Or maybe Babypuncher.

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