Speaking of flying spittle …

17Oct06

I saw this really cute girl on the bus tonight, but every time she looked over at me, I know my face was frozen in horror and revulsion. That’s because I also saw this guy on the bus who was just constantly spitting. Not spitting while he was talking, but not hawking loogies either — just spitting. It was like he didn’t even notice he was doing it, although sometimes he reached up and absentmindedly wiped his mouth. He was leafing through a copy of Metro and spitting on just about every page. For a while, I thought maybe he was actually making a point of spitting on every single page, but after I watched for a while — and I couldn’t not watch, even though the sight turned my stomach — I noticed that he missed a page or two. So it was just random spitting. Plus, sometimes he spat down the front of his shirt. After he finished reading the copy of Metro and set it aside, he actually spat down the front of his shirt a lot. Then another guy got on the bus and sat in front of him, and for a minute, I was worried he was going to reach over and grab that discarded copy of Metro and I’d have to jump up and warn him that it was sopping wet with spittle. But I think he picked up on the fact that the guy was spitting all over since he was sitting in front of him (thankfully, out of range).

So I guess the moral is this: Don’t read discarded copies of Metro you find on the bus. I used to think nothing of picking one up, and I used to make a point of leaving mine behind after I’d finished it. Who does it hurt, I figured. People travelling after the morning rush hour often can’t get their hands on one, so they’re glad to find one lying around, and the higher the pass-along rate, the happier the advertisers are. But that was before I saw this guy spitting all over his copy. Disgusting. Just disgusting. I mean, sometimes when I read Metro, I feel like spitting on it too. But not like that. Not like that.

Update: Here’s one of those times when I want to spit on Metro. Check out this caption:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Note the comma after the word “people”. Without it, the sentence means that some HIV-positive people have unprotected sex without telling their partners of their condition. But with the comma, the sentence means that all HIV-positive people have unprotected sex without telling their partners of their condition.



9 Responses to “Speaking of flying spittle …”

  1. What happened with the girl? That’s a golden opportunity, because a) regardless of your usual degree of ineptitude, you’re a spittin’ image of Brad Pitt compared to that other guy, and b) you can break the ice with her by talking about that guy, and in that way you’re not talking about you or her, so there’s no contrivance. When life throws you a hangin’ spitter, you’ve got to knock the tar out of the ball and lock that down.

  2. 2 marijica

    Metro has only recently appeared in Croatia, and I am disgusted by the insane amount of paper wasted on that lame excuse for a newspaper! also I don’t like seeing such mass indoctrination. you enter a tram and person after person after person is reading that crap…usually people choose reading material according to their ideology of choice. but this crap they’ll read because it’s free.

    the worst free reading material I picked up was a disgusting pro-life leaflet i found at my doctor’s waiting room -the front page said -Mummy please let me live!!

  3. Yesterday in class every second desk had a little magazine on it that said “Is Joseph Goebbels on your campus?” I set it aside, but out of the corner of my eye it looked like there was a picture of Princess Di on the cover. A closer look showed it to be a stern-looking German woman instead.

  4. 4 Gloria

    Marjica, you haven’t yet been subjected to Metro’s rival, 24. It’s a glossy, flimsy gossip rag.

  5. 5 Chris Cassidy

    Do you have a link to that caption? I wanna use it for a story.

  6. The image I put up is a screengrab from the PDF of today’s issue, which is available here:

    http://www.metronews.ca/uploadedFiles/PDFs/20061017_Toronto.pdf

    You’ll have to browse through the issue, but it’s there.

    And Gloria, it’s 24 Hours, not 24. If 24 were a newspaper, each issue would have a front-page headline such as JACK BAUER BREAKS GUY’S NECK WITH HIS LEGS and JACK BAUER CUTS A GUY’S HEAD OFF and JACK BAUER IS FUCKING AWESOME.

  7. 7 Gloria

    My mistake. Thanks, Peter Lynn!

    If I ever caught my boyfriend in bed with someone else, I can say with almost dead certainty now that it’d not be some foxy chick, but Jack Bauer.

    You gentlemen, followers of Jack (or Mr. Bauer, if he were in hearing range), need to form a club. I really do plan to watch 24 one day, but until then, I can watch you re-enact Jack’s adventures (in REAL-TIME, JUST LIKE THE SHOW!) only so many times.

  8. Fed-Ex: Actually, the girl, the spitting guy, and I all got off the bus at the same time. They both crossed the street, and I cast back a couple of looks as I walked off just in case he might be following her. Then I went to fencing practice, where I pulled off an impromptu slick swashbuckling-type move where I used the tip of my foil to pick up another foil that was lying on the ground to hand it to the girl I was about to fence. Everyone watching was very impressed and said that I must have been practicing, which I hadn’t. But then I did go home and practice it. Now I can actually pick it up and flip it right over to the other person. I’m Douglas friggin’ Fairbanks over here.

    Gloria: Re-enact, nothing. I just filmed an entire season’s worth of 24: Peter Lynn It’s a still photo of me sitting in front of a computer in filthy old jogging pants. Stare at it for 24 straight hours to experience my exciting real-time adventures!

  9. I – and the rest of the carriage – once watched a man picking his nose, and eating the findings, for the entirety of a twenty minute train trip. He wasn’t a crazy man, because crazy people don’t wear suits and ties and carry briefcases and polish their shoes and have one of those bluetooth headsets stuck to their ear. He just liked to pick his nose and eat it and he didn’t care how many people saw him do it for how long. In some small way, perhaps I was even proud to spend my train trip with him.


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