In retrospect, Star Trek: Enterprise wasn’t much better

20Oct06

And to close out Picking on Hack Comedians Week, here’s a story from a few years ago that touches on not only Robin Williams, who has a terrible movie out now, but also Rod Stewart, who has a terrible album out now.

8:30 p.m.

ME [entering living room]: What’s this on T– are you watching Patch Adams?!

TOULA, BRAIN-DAMAGED HOUSEMATE: Yes.

ME: HA HA HA! HAW! HAW! HAW!

TOULA: Yeah, it’s funny.

ME [leaving]: You just don’t get it.

11:00 p.m.

ME [poking head tentatively into living room]: Is it gone yet?

TOULA: The movie’s over.

[Commercial break ends. Robin Williams returns to screen.]

ME: Agh! It’s still on! You made me watch some Patch Adams!

TOULA: Oh, good. It’s still on!

ME [scrubbing eyes]: Damn you to hell!

TOULA: I’m making popcorn!

11:25 p.m.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: I know my methods seem unconventional, but I believe laughter is the best medicine.

DISCIPLINARY BOARD CHAIRMAN [banging gavel]: Patch Adams, I sentence you to be hanged by the neck, until you are dead! dead! DEAD!

ME [waking up]: It was just a dream … a wonderful dream.

11:30 p.m.

ME [hearing theme music to Star Trek: Enterprise from kitchen]: I don’t know why Star Trek is on now, but I’m up for that.

ME [entering living room to see end credits to Patch Adams scrolling up screen]: What the– this song is the Patch Adams theme?!

TOULA: This is a good song.

ME: Why is Rod Stewart singing this version?! It’s bad enough Diane Warren wrote it! Then they put it in a Robin Williams movie! Robin Williams!

TOULA: He’s a hero.

ME: This represents the very depths of mainstream mediocrity! This is terrible! [passes out from apoplexy]

TOULA: That was a good movie.

FIN



7 Responses to “In retrospect, Star Trek: Enterprise wasn’t much better”

  1. I saw Rod Stewart on TV butchering the Creedence Clearwater Revival song “Have You Ever Seen The Rain” while he was either dancing or having a mild stroke. It might just be time to consider a mandatory retirement age for rock stars.

  2. I’m on board with that. But bluesmen are allowed to record as long as they live. Bluesmen can be 80 years old and still awesome.

    You know, the only reason I’ve ever read any Chuck Klosterman is that a hot girl told me my writing reminded her of his. So I read his most recent book, and I can say this: Chuck Klosterman has a sincere love for all phases of Rod Stewart’s career, and I do not.

    I still recall one of my personally saddest moments in music history as being the first time I saw a video for “All For Love”, a collaboration by Rod Stewart, Bryan Adams, and Sting from the The Three Musketeers soundtrack. I saw three guys who each used to be really cool getting together and wussing out irreparably. I heard the sound of three men castrating themselves.

  3. Absolutely, bluesmen would be exempt, as well as the practitioners of any musical tradition that doesn’t reap the huge financial benefits that come from being inextricably tied to youth culture.

    So, I guess that would include rappers as well…assuming of course, that they live long enough to reach retirement age.

    Mercifully, I never saw that video, just hearing about it is bad enough.

  4. 4 hilly

    Tsk! All the cool kids watch the new Battlestar Galactica, not a show that hasn’t been good since Deep Space Nine.

  5. “Butchering a Creedence Clearwater Revival song” is an oxymoron. Anything done to that kind of base, pandering filth can only make it better.

  6. Wow, some surprisingly virulent anti-CCR comments from the Swede! And to think he’s maligning a quintessentially American swamp-rock band mere days after the USA once again warmly embraced Roxette with a new record deal.

  7. 7 John E Thelin

    Eh, I knock all repetitive “catchy” music with one idea per minute or less. The reason CCR get the more harshly worded put-downs, is that they are an incongrously respected exponent of the style. They’re mostly revered by people who claim to abhor things like “The Chicken Dance”, the latest chart topper by a Britney-alike or any other song that repeats a simple melody over and over with the purpose of sticking it firmly in your mind (often mistaken for “liking” the song), even though the difference is primarily textural.

    As for Roxette; I would like to apologize on behalf of the entire nation of Sweden.


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