Outreach and touch someone

07Nov06

I’ve never actually read Outreach, the magazine that homeless people sell, but I’ve often wondered about the quality of the writing inside. I was browsing through some old e-mail and it turns out I made up a joke about Outreach :

A guy’s walking down the street, when he’s accosted by a homeless guy. “Would you like a copy of Outreach?” the bum asks.

“I don’t know,” the guy says. “Is there a treasure map section?”

“No,” the bum answers, taken aback.

“Sorry, not interested,” the man says, and walks off.

A week later, the guy comes back and the homeless guy accosts him again. “Would you like a copy of Outreach?” the bum asks.

“I don’t know,” the guy says. “Is there a treasure map section?”

“Well, no,” the bum admits.

“Sorry, not interested,” the man says, and walks off.

The next week, the guy comes back again. “Would you like a copy of Outreach?” the bum asks.

“I don’t know,” the guy says. “Is there a treasure map section?”

“Yes!” says the bum. “Yes there is. Page A-3.”

The guy looks at the vagrant’s ragged clothes, thinks it over, and decides, “No … no, you’d better keep it. You need it more than I do.” And he walks off.

* * *

Speaking of charity, I’m very pleased to say that within mere hours after I poured on the first heaping of guilt toward those who had not yet thrown their support behind my growing of a bitchin’ ‘stache to raise funds to fight prostate and testicular cancer, donations shot up to the $30 mark. Not only am I impressed by my newfound ability to unleash my inner Jewish mother, but I’m now considering panhandling over the internet full-time. Nuts to this pledge drive; let’s give me money. Except that this pledge drive is in fact specifically devoted to nuts, and where would I be without mine? Where, for that matter, would you be without yours? Well, things might not seem too different for you if you’re female, but in that case, where would you be without your dad’s nuts? I submit that you would be nowhere at all. (Studio 60 fans may now insert their own smug quips here about how this would be like being in Columbus, Ohio.) So, in honour of your father’s testicles, which gave you life, and of his prostate, which gave him indescribable pleasure in the event that he and your mother were open-minded enough to get a little experimental, click this link to fight the man-cancers. If you don’t, I will continue describing your parents’ sex life in fuller, richer, and increasingly more depraved detail. You have been warned.



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