Situation critical

14Nov06

A friend and I were at The Only Cafe the other night, where the waitstaff renders the sun uncomely, and he noticed something funny: Two older guys coming out of the washroom at the same time. The thing about this is that the washrooms there are the single-occupant kind. Having been a bouncer, he knew what to look for, and he didn’t see any signs of cocaine use when he got in there, so there’s only one other thing they really could have been doing in there, and we didn’t really want to think about it.

The thing I couldn’t stop thinking about, however, was the odd thing I noticed later when I was waiting my turn to get into the men’s room: Pinned up on the nearby bulletin board were printouts of two separate news stories about Platinum Blonde bassist Kenny MacLean screwing up the national anthem at a Saint John Sea Dogs hockey game late last month. I read the stories, wondered why it was worth pinning up two separate items about a local 1980’s new wave musician, and then, since the men’s room’s occupant hadn’t come out yet, decided to use the ladies’ room. What’s the harm? It was a single-occupant washroom, after all.

When I got back upstairs, I was still wondering about these stories, so I decided to get the scoop from the bartender. “There’s two stories down there on the bulletin board about the guy from Platinum Blonde screwing up the national anthem at a hockey game,” I said. “I’ve got to know what the story is there.”

“Well, that’s a public bulletin board,” she said, wiping a glass. “Anybody can put anything on there.”

“Yeah, but there’s two stories. That’s the thing. One would just be a funny story. But two? Two makes me think there’s some sort of significance there, like there’s a specific connection between that guy and this bar.”

She stopped wiping. “Oh. We had to throw him out of here a couple of months ago.”

“Really? Why?”

“He bit someone.”

“Really!”

“Yeah, another patron. Really hard. A whole bunch of times.”

“Wow!”

“We had to call the cops. He’s banned permanently.”

“Yeah, no kidding.”

There’s a “Hungry Eyes” joke waiting to be made here, but I’ll just say that this confirms what I already knew: Platinum Blonde really bites.



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