Good news, bad news


The other day, a friend of mine said I looked like a big douche in the pictures she’d seen of me with the moustache. I’m actually glad she said just that, because I had been worried that I always looked like the big douche that I look like in those pictures, so I was relieved that someone else specifically said “You look like a big douche in those pics” as opposed to “You look just like you always do in those pics.” She subsequently assured me that I look like much less of a douche normally.

Well, I have some terrible news that ought to please her: I accidentally shaved the moustache off.

It happened while I was, as the old Jane’s Addiction song goes, standing in the shower, thinking. I was shaving the rest of my face, because this is a moustache-growing pledge drive that I’m doing and not a beard-growing pledge drive, and I got lost in thought about whether or not I should trade away journeyman defenceman Andy Wozniewski in my NHL 07 Maple Leafs dynasty to make room for Colorado College forward prospect Chad Rau. On the one hand, Wozniewski is clearly more NHL-ready, but on the other hand, he’s already 26 and Brendan Bell, Jay Harrison, and Staffan Kronwall are all ahead of him on the depth chart even to compete for the role of seventh defenceman, so chances are that I’ll never use him. So why not park a young prospect with a lower salary in that roster spot and let him mature for a few seasons? This wouldn’t be a concern if EA had bothered to program in more than 40 slots for both players and prospects. And when will EA give the NHL series a proper minor-league mode like they did for the MVP baseball series, anyway? Of course, it doesn’t help that there are currently 30 NHL teams but only 27 AHL teams, and stupid Edmonton doesn’t even have a shared affiliation. That complicates things.

Suddenly I looked at my razor, and it was clogged with hair. To my horror, I realized I’d absentmindedly shaved my moustache clean off!

This is terrible. Now I am a douche. People were donating money under the condition that I keep this thing another two weeks. I’m such an idiot. The only thing I can do to make up for my stupidity is to not only start regrowing it immediately, but also wear my well-deserved opprobrium on my face by grooming it into the style favored by Adolf Hitler.

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