Stopping the cacophony

20Nov06

Every time I open Firefox, several videos that I’ve left open in several tabs all start playing at once. Then I have to click on each tab in turn to stop the video. Yet, I haven’t been able to bring myself to actually close the tabs. So, in an effort to stop the cacophony always blaring at me on startup, what I’m doing here is embedding them all in this one blog post, where they can be leisurely clicked upon in turn, and then closing all those tabs.

As a happy side effect, you might enjoy watching them.

This one’s responsible for almost half of the noise. It’s a German kid going berzerk at his computer. Take it from me, kids: Don’t do this at work.

This one’s responsible for almost the other half of the noise. It’s the same video as above, helpfully translated.

Will Forte and Tenacious D in last season’s “Spelling Bee” sketch from SNL, which is one of the brightest of the few bright spots in the show’s recent history.

An old educational film counselling against the dangers of homosexuality.

Look who’s back! It’s the Solid Potato Salad girls! I posted this film before, then YouTube took it down. But here it is again, and it’s still mind-blowing.

If this video were louder, it would definitely be responsible for a lot of the racket. It’s a cover of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Hurra Torpedo, which Wikipedia calls “Norway’s most famous kitchen appliance band,” which raises the question of exactly how many kitchen appliance bands Norway has.

My mom says she doesn’t actually read this blog because I told her not to. But on the off chance she’s a dirty liar, this video, which compiles a bunch of his snappy one-liners, is for her. I can’t think of anyone else who loves to hate David Caruso’s terrible, terrible acting on CSI: Miami as much as she does. When I vist home, she and I’ll watch it just to happily rip on Caruso for an hour. What a shitty show. It’s just full of moments combining not-too-snappy writing with cut-rate thespiancraft, like this:

SOME CSI GUY: So maybe the killer thought he could cover his tracks by wiping off the knife.

HORATIO CAINE [stands at an angle to the other guy, turns head to side, gazes at ground through sunglasses, and growls dramatically ]: Or maybeshe thought she could cover her tracks.

All that said, I’ll take Caruso over William Petersen as Gil Grissom. Half the time, he’s the one delivering the snappy one-liners, and whenever he’s not, he’s staring coldly at the person who did as though he or she has just made the most inappropriate, unprofessional, and offensive remark possible. You’re a hypocritical asshole, Grissom.

Anyway, this last one won’t embed, but it’s the inside story of a Van Halen hit, and it’s worth it just for when the “Smooth” lever gets cranked to the max.

Update: Okay, I just found this other video, and I only saw it the one time, and I will never, ever watch it again because it’s scarred me for life, but if you click here, you can see a giggling Japanese girl shooting live eels out of her rectum. You know, if you really want to. (Definitely NSFW.) I only bring it to your attention, because this is probably going to be the new goatse.cx, and you might want to be in on the ground floor. Now I’m going to go poke out my eyes. Good God. I definitely now know I prefer solid potato salad to eel, and that’s all I know anymore. I hate you, internet, and I hate you, Japan.

Further update: By request, here is Alizé, the dancing French girl, once again for your viewing pleasure. In my opinion, this is what cute girls should be doing: dancing, singing nice little songs, and looking adorable, not firing live bait out of their alimentary canals.

And here’s the video with which I was bribed to make the above happen. It’s a dancing indian guy. But he’s not any ordinary Bollywood performer. He may be the coolest dude the subcontinent has ever produced&#8212truly one in a billion.

This has turned out to be quite a multicultural post, with thumbs up going to France, Norway, and India, and thumbs down going to the Axis powers and Miami.



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