Corps à corps


Okay, well, this is a little awkward. I was fencing with the hot Slovenian girl, who some of the other girls don’t like because of her propensity to get topless. (She’s pretty well-endowed too.) Her husband, who just started coming out to the club, was watching. (This is an awkward thing in itself. She’d always referred to her boyfriend, until one evening everyone was out at a local restaurant, when she mentioned to someone that they actually got married last summer. This prompted me to practically shout, “Your husband?! You’ve been calling him your boyfriend!” which almost certainly caused the entire table to wonder exactly why I should care so much. But seriously, who does that? Who calls her husband her boyfriend? I don’t know — maybe it’s just an alliance of convenience to keep her in the country or something. Still, I wouldn’t like being called her boyfriend if I were her husband.)

Anyway, I flèched, which is a running attack, and I landed the point, but in so doing, I kind of stumbled into her. Body to body contact — or corps à corps — is illegal and punishable with a yellow card, so it’s not a good habit. But even worse, when I tried to steady myself to make sure neither of us fell over, I accidentally grabbed a whopping handful of breast. Now, it was totally an accident and she was wearing a plastic chest protector anyway, so she was completely unfazed. But right then, I saw her husband just walk away.

First he’s watching us fence, then I full-on cup his wife’s boob, then he stalks off. He can’t possibly have liked this. This can’t possibly be good.

8 Responses to “Corps à corps”

  1. Maybe he’ll challenge you to a duel, and you can give him a Nazi cheek scar, and then his girlfriend will stand up to defend her husband’s honor, and you’ll joust in an epic battle that ends not with a high pitched electronic squeal but with a handful of chest protector-protected boob and her confession that she really just forgot the English word for boyfriend and used husband in its place, and then… you can take it from there.

  2. 2 Gloria

    I kinda got lost at “propensity to get topless.”

    I just want to ask: 1) How the hell do you know this? 2) How do this happen when it does? 3) Where and in whose presence? And 4) how often? Maybe I need to take up fencing.

  3. Funk: I like the possible future you’ve laid out. The husband is Asian, though, so he might look weird with a Nazi cheek scar.

    Gloria: I have added a link to an earlier story that will explain. I should have done that earlier. But if you like to get topless, I definitely encourage you to join my fencing club. I know the Slovenian girl would appreciate not being the only topless one.

  4. 4 hilly

    Sir, as a citizen of the noble Old Dominion, also known as the Commonwealth of Virginia, I volunteer to act as your second at such time in which an enraged husband/boyfriend/other half of the convenient green card marriage challenges you to sabers (or pistols — we’re really better with pistols) at dawn. We have duels of honor here all time amongst all the tobacco fields and landfills, y’know.

    However, there may need to be some flexibility due to my work and other commitments. I suggest you use the considerable and protracted delays to create a completely foolproof plan of Blackadderesque cunningosity and diabolicalness.

  5. I definitely accept. However, I’m going to stick with the sword, as that’s where I have an overwhelming advantage. I’ve been at this for two or three years, whereas he’s only in the beginner class and has missed six weeks of it, to boot.

  6. Hey, they give classes at your club? Hmm… explain further. I did a beginner dealy at school a few years ago, but it was casual in the extreme. Not to the extreme of being topless, but more in the sense of not really learning the name for things, but being mildly reprimanded when we held our foils the wrong way.

  7. I can certainly elaborate by sending you here to learn more about our beginner classes. The next one should be next September, although there is currently some debate whether or not to temporarily suspend the classes, as membership is thriving to the point that things are starting to get crowded. However, intermediate-level fencers still get plenty of coaching, and depending on your level of previous experience, a beginner class may or may not be necessary.

  8. 8 Eric

    Does swordfighting in the Monkey Island games count as experience? It’s served me well so far.

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