The Trailer Trash returns

15Mar07

As of right now, The Trailer Trash is back in the form of a brand-new article at Cracked.com. For those who don’t remember the Trailer Trash from either its glory days or my previous discussion of it, we review movie trailers for those too lazy or unwilling to watch a two-minute clip for themselves, let alone decide what they think. In this article, Jay Pinkerton and I take a cursory, dismissive look at the trailers of 20 movies coming out this spring. Win an open-robe hug from Uncle Pete if you can guess who wrote which review—and who’s pilfering from his previous blog posts!

But before you rush headlong over to the article, three supplementary observations about this spring’s trailers:

  • The TMNT trailer features a ninja turtle flouting FAA regulations by hitching a ride in a jet airliner’s wheel well. This is a very bad idea. With in-flight temperatures dipping as low as -50°F, the average Cuban refugee has extremely poor chances of surviving, so a cold-blooded reptile stowaway is dead turtle meat. Please, teenage mutant ninja turtles, ride in a standard airline seat or travel in the cargo area while safely secured in an animal carrier, depending on your degree of anthropomorphism.
  • I predict that even the Pepto-Bismol commercial with the breakdancers popping and locking will prove vastly more entertaining than the new breakdancing comedy Kickin It Old Skool, starring Jamie Kennedy, whose very presence induces nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, and diarrhea. I further predict it will be followed by a sequel with the tediously obvious title of Kickin It Old Skool 2: Electric Boogaloo. Lastly, I predict the subsequent stabbing murder of Jamie Kennedy, by me.
  • After Teen Wolf Too and Satisfaction, it seemed certain at the end of the ‘80s that no studio executive would ever again pick up a phone and bark, “Get me a Bateman for my next picture!” Yet, two decades later, here Jason and Justine both are with movies opening this spring, him in The Ex, and her in the David Duchovny comedy The TV Set. Now, while we looked at The Ex, we didn’t actually review The TV Set, but I did want to drop a little note to David Duchnovy: The X-Files was great. Your film career? Not so much. You’re just handing reviewers ammo with this movie’s title. Guess where you belong instead of on the big screen, Duchovny? The TV Set. Guess what I’m going to stay home and watch instead of your movie? The TV Set. See?

Okay, go now.



12 Responses to “The Trailer Trash returns”

  1. 1 hilly

    Ok, give us one hint: Did you split the reviews equally, or did one of you write of them more than the other? Right now, I have you down for considerably more reviews that Jay, which seems suspect.

  2. 2 hilly

    *than Jay. Crap, I HATE not being able to edit posts.

  3. 3 Gloria

    At least you didn’t write “then Jay.” That stuff drives me crazy.

  4. Split equally — 10 each. (Although one or two of mine might include a line swiped from Jay.)

    I hate the “than/then” confusion too. The “that” thing? Clearly only a typo. I could edit the comment and fix it, but then the ensuing conversation wouldn’t make sense.

  5. 5 hilly

    Ok, ok, ok. Now, I know you and Jay (who I read back when the Trailer Trash was actually updated) aren’t exactly Tycho and Gabe of Penny Arcade when one compares writing styles, but you do tend to use more fiddy-cent words, and Jay uses “shit” a lot — with his wacky bathroom antics, I’m sure no one is at all surprised.

    Anyway:

    Peter’s reviews: TMNT, Shooter, Blades of Fire (“errant” gave it away), Are We Done Yet?, Kickin’ It Old Skool, Lucky You, Ex, Shrek 3, and Knocked Up.

    Jay’s reviews: Hills 2, Reign Over Me, Live Free or Die, Grindhouse, ATHF Movie, Condemned, Spiderman 3, Delta Farce, Pirates, and Ocean’s 13.

    Am I close?

  6. You’re close. I actually got stuck with all the popular movies with decent trailers that everyone’s looking forward to (the ones we HAD to write about). That bastard Lynn got all the crap movies with laughably idiotic trailers (the ones that’re fun to review).

    Peter’s reviews: TMNT, Live Free or Die, Blades of Fire, Are We Done Yet?, ATHF Movie, Condemned, Lucky You, The Ex, Delta Farce and Knocked Up.

    Jay’s reviews: Hills 2, Reign Over Me, Shooter, Grindhouse, Kickin’ It Old Skool, Spiderman 3, Delta Farce, Pirates, Shrek 3, Ocean’s 13 and Fantastic Four 3.

  7. That’s a 70% success rate, though — not quite enough to win an open-robe hug (a prize I thought no one would try to compete for), but still impressive. And while Live Free or Die was my review, the “Monstrous” line was Jay’s but cracked me up so much there was no way not to include it. And the idea of pumping weed into the AC at ATHF was his too. So that might have thrown you a bit.

    For some reason, I thought it would be generous to give away all the blockbusters, though in retrospect, it does means I got to hog the crap movies (with the notable exception of the terrible-looking Kickin’ It Old Skool, of course). Fortunately Jay’s got the chops to pick apart even the good ones (a sharp observation he made about Reign Over Me that was dropped for lack of space is that Adam Sandler is a dead ringer for Blonde on Blonde-era Dylan). But next time something like this comes around, we’ll know how to be fairer about divvying up the work.

    Do Tycho and Gabe have wildly divergent writing styles? I don’t read Penny Arcade. I can’t abide all the ‘tude in the characters’ expressions.

  8. 8 hilly

    There’s far more ‘tude in one of Tycho’s posts than will EVER be in Gabe’s illustrations. Five will get you ten, Peter, than reading one of Tycho’s more, um, loquacious posts would cause you to reflexively throw a clenched fist at your monitor.

    Gabe writes like the underachiever he probably was in English class. I generally prefer reading his contributions to the site; my eyes tend to slide right off Tycho’s prose like it was either a frictionless surface or one of the more boring works of Evelyn Waugh.

  9. Whereas I’ve actually grown to admire Tycho’s grandiose, hyperbole-strewn prose more than the comics. It’s a very intentionally over-blown style he’s cultivated and honed for years. To each their own, I suppose.

  10. 10 Ken

    Okay, Peter, you did Blades of Glory (I’m gonna assume that’s what Jay meant)? The judge you identify as nearly-Rumsfieldian, is clearly none other than George Feeny of Boy Meets World fame. Seriously, you Canadians need to learn quality television.

  11. 11 Andy

    I don’t know why I am commenting. To tell you the truth I’m not even really sure how I got here. But I couldn’t really care less about this article, sorry. I don’t want you to take it personally or anything. I’m sure your a very enthusiastic writer.

    I am not someone who gets some sort of peverse sense of satisfaction out of abusing peple I have never met and probably will never meet over the internet. So I’ll offer you some constructive criticism. Maybe your writing would be better if you didn’t suck so much. Just stop sucking and you’ll be fine.

    If your wondering just what provoked this, the fact is I spend far to much time on the internet and as a result I am constantly forced to find new and elaborate ways to waste my time. Writing and posting this comment is the most recent idea I have come up with.


  1. 1 “You’re a whiner, Lynn.” « Man vs. Clown!

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