Another reason my friends shouldn’t let me talk to their wives


Scott’s wife Marlene sent me a message earlier. “The other night, I was at the hockey game and I laughed out loud when I thought of you. The reason was because there was a boy next to me with thunder sticks and he came close to hitting me with them and he was blocking my view. I thought of you picking them up and hitting the kid with them a bunch of times,” she said. “Sometimes thoughts of what you may do in a situation make me laugh.”

In a way, it’s appalling that she would think I would bludgeon a small child with sticks. In another way, it’s completely logical. He’d probably told her about the time we were swimming in his cousin’s pool, and I was having a quarterstaff fight with pool noodles with her brother Jamie, who was a couple of years younger than us and had Down Syndrome, and I got carried away and just pounded him mercilessly. Scott’s aunt normally liked me, but she got a little upset at that. I’m not sure why I got so carried away. Maybe I was just trying to even out my poor record against retarded opponents.

Well, it turned out he hadn’t told her that story. I didn’t want to seem like a monster, so I evened things out by telling her about the equally aunt-upsetting time in grade 5 when Scott tricked Jamie into trading his chocolate haystack cookies for a suck on Scott’s finger. This is a true story. Except, in the version I told, I implied that “finger” may have been code for something else. Marlene didn’t really like this, but even she had to admit that if true, this would have meant that Scott had won the trade both ways.

2 Responses to “Another reason my friends shouldn’t let me talk to their wives”

  1. 1 mcgugan


    I’ve never been more horrified at one of your many tales.
    And i’m the one who made cancer jokes around a girl until she told me that someone close to her had died of cancer. Turns out her dad was someone close to her.

  2. You just reminded me of a faux pas my old Golden Words buddy Justin once made. He was talking to a friend when a girl came along, wearing strange, lumpy-looking pants.

    “What’s wrong with your pants?” the friend asked.

    “She has pant cancer!” Justin said. The girl burst into tears at his joke and ran off.

    “You idiot!” said the friend. “She has leukemia!

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