I Am So Sorry We Led Your Son to Christ


Dear Mrs. McMillan,

I am so very sorry that we tricked your son Jody into surrendering himself unto the bosom of Jesus Christ. Believe me, it all just started as a lark. The last thing we wanted to do was actually lead him to the eternal salvation of the King of Kings. Imagine our surprise when his sins were washed away by the blood of the True Creator!

It all started when we were all at the video store getting a movie, and I found one of those Jack Chick comic book tracts tucked in behind one of the tapes on the shelf. Have you ever seen those things? I love them. They’re so hilarious!

This one was about some Christian rock band who signs a contract with this guy named “Lew Siffer,” and it talks about how rock music is a powerful demonic force controlled by Satan, and the whole band is cast into everlasting torment except the guitarist who receives Jesus as the way, the truth, and the light. I thought Jody would get a kick out of it, since I know how much he loves the Crüe. So I gave it to him and said, “Here man, I think you need to read this.”

Well, I was expecting him to totally laugh his ass off, but instead, he read it through for a long time, then he looked up with this serious face and asked me, “Is this true?”

I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say for a minute, but then Duncan told him very seriously that it was indeed God’s truth and Jody needed to give himself to Christ. If you ever played poker with Duncan, you’ll lose your shirthe can keep a straight face better than anyone I know. I didn’t even need to look at Duncan to know that he was thinking it would be a really funny practical joke to trick Jody into inviting Jesus Christ into his heart. You have to admit Jody is pretty gullible. One time I told him that I’d give him five bucks if he let me crack two eggs over his head, then I just smashed one egg into his hair and told him I’d give him the fiver if I ever got around to the other egg. Five years, and he’s still waiting.

Anyway, all the way home, we told him about how the Creator allowed himself to be murdered by man to wash away mankind’s sin with His holy blood, so Jody should admit he was a sinner, then be willing to turn from his sin and repent. Then he should acknowledge that Christ died for him, was buried, and rose from the dead. After that, he needed to pray to Jesus to enter into his life as his personal Saviour. Otherwise, if his name wasn’t in the Book of Life on Judgment Day, then he ‘d be cast into a lake of fire! It wasn’t too hard to be convincing, since it was all there at the bottom of that Jack Chick comic, and I know John 3:16 because it’s always on those sheets at football games. The only hard part was keeping from busting out laughing!

Later on, when we were watching The Godfather back at Duncan’s house, and Don Corleone said “I’m going to make them an offer they can’t refuse,” I turned to Jody and said asked him if he knew what was an offer he really couldn’t refuse. When he asked me what that was, I told him that if he put his faith in the Messiah, then he would have everlasting life in the Kingdom of Heaven, where Jesus sits at the right hand of God the Father. I just thought it would be a funny thing to say, just to rib him. But apparently, it really did sound like a pretty good deal to Jody.

After we turned off the movie, that Jack Van Impe show was on channel 3you know, that one with the guy and his ditzy blonde wife. That show’s pretty funny because it’s like a news broadcast, except they think the world’s coming to an end, and they couldn’t be happier about it. Duncan was going to turn the channel, though, until Jody asked if we could watch. So we watched Jack and Rexella talk about the ocean of evil washing over our land, and then when they got to the part where they do the little prayer for the people who haven’t been saved, it was just too good an opportunity to be missed.

We begged Jody to kneel down with us and give his heart to the Lord, and he got right down off that couch like it was made of fire and brimstone or something. Until then, I half-figured he’d just been playing along, but right along with Jack, he said, “Dear God, I am a sinner and need forgiveness. I believe that Jesus Christ shed his precious blood and died for my sin. I am willing to turn from sin. I now invite Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal Saviour.” We totally had Jody hook, line, and sinker!

After he was saved, Jody started crying tears of joy and hugging us, and I felt a little bad about tricking him. But, then Duncan suggested we wash each other’s feet, and that was just too funny, even if it seemed a little gay. I’m sorry, but exulting in the glory of the Lord of Hosts has never been so freakin’ funny.

Then, we grabbed a Bible and a bedsheet, took Jody out back to Duncan’s pool and baptized him right there in the shallow end. Then, we told him that since he was now a good soldier of Christ, he should begin his ministry by going out unto the lost multitudes and cry aloud, raise his voice like a trumpet and preach the gospel to every one of God’s creatures. He did, toohe ran out into the street, soaking wet, and started witnessing to every lost soul who walked by about how faith is the only path to everlasting salvation. I guess I have to give you credit for teaching him about sharing, because Jody shared the Word like you wouldn’t believe. I really thought he was going to get his ass kicked.

We figured it wouldn’t last too long, and everything would be soon forgotten. But, we were really shocked when we called the next Sunday to see if he wanted to catch the wrestling pay-per-view, only to hear from you that he was at an evening service, worshipping. Apparently Austin 3:16 just isn’t his favorite bit of Scripture anymore! Believe us, we tried after that to explain to Jody that bringing him to God’s embrace was just a joke, but he just kept thanking us for leading him down the Roman road to walk in the light with the Saviour.

I’m sorry that while Jody has a new personal relationship with God, no one at school even wants to go near him now. I know it’s got to be hard for you to live with such a good and faithful servant of the Lord too, especially when he’s always talking about how you’re going to Hell because your soul is stained with the sin of Satan’s deceit and good works alone can’t save you. At least when he goes to church, it gets him out of the house for a while, though, right? I’m really sorry he’s failing biology too, though we never told him anything about evolution being heresy. He must have got that from somewhere else.

Most importantly, Duncan and I are very sorry we wrecked old Jody, the one who didn’t dwell in the joy of God’s love, or welcome the True Creator into his heart as his all-loving Lord and personal Saviour. He used to be a good guy, if a little gullible. I swear it was just a big joke that got way out of control, and actually leading him to Christ was the last thing we meant to do.

I hope this apology note will be okay, since I don’t think you’ll be seeing us come over to visit Jody anytime soon. I guess he’ll always have a friend in Jesus, though.

Again, I’m really sorry,


2 Responses to “I Am So Sorry We Led Your Son to Christ”

  1. 1 Scott

    Your piece on Johnny Hart is conspicuous by its absence as is the joking reference within to Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart.

  2. Yeah, I just read that Johnny Hart died. He missed out on celebrating Easter this year, just as his Christian cavemen probably always missed out on celebrating the holiday. How sad.

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