When the great wooden horse arrived, it was King Priam’s mother who answered the door


Everything I said in the previous post about the younger generation being technologically savvier goes in reverse for the older generation. That doesn’t include my dad, who talked me through resetting my BIOS a couple of weeks ago, after a lightning strike fried my computer and all it would do on startup was make a feeble knocking sound. But my mom? A nice, suspicious-looking website where she can download some spyware is to her what a couple of slices of cold pizza left overnight in her fridge are to me.

I was having a nice, relaxing visit home, but now I’m a frazzled, nervous mess. I spent all night begging and pleading with my mother to not download spyware until I was on the verge of tears. I kept saying, “Please, mom, that file you’re downloading is like a door-to-door salesman who shows up wearing a mask and a striped shirt with numbers on it and carrying a sack labeled with a dollar sign, and you’re handing him your keys and asking him to housesit.” But she just wouldn’t stop downloading the spyware. She loves to download the spyware. She can’t get enough of the spyware. The only things in life my mom wants are grandchildren and spyware.

If this were a Bill Simmons column, I’d now be speculating about how the next season of 24 should feature Jack Bauer standing over his heretofore-unseen mother and trying to get her to close a shady-looking pop-up window by using Alt+F4 instead of the fake close button booby-trapped to install malware. He’d be yelling, “Dammit, mom! We’re running out of time!” because the EXE file she’s already downloading over her dial-up connection is slowly ticking away at 28.8 kilobits per second toward 100% completion, and meanwhile, Chloe O’Brien would be trying to talk him through downloading a copy of Lavasoft Ad-Aware. Or maybe that’s if Roast Beef Kazenzakis were scripting the next season of 24. Whatever the case, I was already there once tonight, and it was a tense situation, I’m telling you.

One Response to “When the great wooden horse arrived, it was King Priam’s mother who answered the door”

  1. Oh, this made me laugh because I have in the past made the mistake of accidentally downloading spyware by hitting the fake close button.

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