You like-a the juice? The juice is good, ah?


In honour of my brain-damaged housemate Toula’s birthday, which I think of as the Greek Orthodox April Fools’ Day, I present an incident took place around this time several years ago. (As I recall, this happened a day before she left the house after turning one of the stove burners on to “glowing red-hot”, despite her assertions that this sort of thing has never happened.)

Toula [pouring]: Ugh! There’s something in this juice!

Me: Like what?

Toula: I don’t know. Something lumpy.

Me [looking over to see cranberry juice being poured out in clumps of fermented matter]: Ugh! Throw it out!

Toula: Do you think it’s gone bad?

Me: Yes! By god, yes! It’s fermenting!

Toula: But I haven’t had it that long.

Me: How long?

Toula: Only since Christmas.

Me: Since Christmas?!

Toula: Yeah.

Me: Toula, it’s April!

Toula: So?

Me: So Christmas was three and a half months ago!

Toula: Yeah?

Me: More than a full season!

Toula: Yeah?

Me: More than a quarter of a year!

Toula: Yeah?

Me: That’s a long time!

Toula: But it shouldn’t be bad, right?

Me: Yes! It should! Or it should be wine by now!

Toula: But I always keep juice this long and nothing’s happened. This must not have any preservatives. [checking label] “Contains preservatives.”

Me: You can’t keep juice that long! You can’t keep any food that long!

Toula: But it was in the fridge!

Me: Doesn’t matter! It needs to be frozen to keep that long. I wouldn’t trust even refrigerated juice more than a week or so.

Toula: But I’ve kept this can of orange juice open in the fridge for three weeks and it’s okay. [Sips from can of thawed orange juice concentrate]

Me: Why would you open a can of orange juice and use only part of it? You’re going to get food poisoning! I don’t know why you’re not dead already!

Toula: Hmm … good genes, I guess.

Me: No, I would guess the exact opposite!

Postscript: Months later, I remember seeing a big five-litre container of juice that she’d left sitting on the floor beside the fridge (it being too big to fit inside) that had a film of green-blue mold floating on top. I just shrugged and walked away. And just earlier today, I noticed that someone (I wonder who) had left a package of roast pork loin deli meat on the kitchen table, and it was starting to turn ripe. Again, instead of tossing it, I just shrugged and decided to wait to see how long it would take the owner to either throw it out or eat it — you know, in the name of science. Whatever happened, it’s gone now, though the rotten meat smell lingers.

5 Responses to “You like-a the juice? The juice is good, ah?”

  1. 1 Marlene

    I find it so funny that a girl like this is living with you. It’s like a sitcom.

  2. 2 the other Peter


    And you say criminal neglect? What if she did eat bad pork (insert penis joke here (insert “insert penis” joke here)) and got sick? Not that you would feel anything, since you’re dead inside, but now you’ve proven to anyone who cares to look that you didn’t prevent her from hurting herself. And you know I’m going to rat you out to the 5-o.

  3. If she eats bad pork and gets sick, that’s what she gets for being a dirty gentile. (So says the guy who used to burn bacon to a crisp solely to make the air in his student house unkosher and therefore unbreathable by his Jewish housemate.)

  4. 4 van

    talking about unkosher air, a few years ago i was a college open day, and there was a section for all the religious groups (Christians on Campus etc etc). Anyway, one of the christian groups had a barbeque going and was handing out bacon and egg rolls. did I mention they were between the muslim and jewish stalls? so there were all these non-pork people getting covered in bacon grease and getting all their literature and signs impregnated with the smell of it.

  5. 5 Ace

    She reminds me of myself. I actually created a biohazard in the food tech block at my school by forgetting to cook the raw turkey.

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