Me and my bug-infested home


I know the calendar says it’s late May, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s June, because I am absolutely under siege by June bugs.

Earlier tonight, I was leaving a comment on a blog so that the author might benefit from my considerable insight, and formed my cogent argument thusly: “For one thing, HOLY FUCK A GIANT BUG JUST LANDED ON MY FINGER”. In fact, as I typed, a June bug came from out of nowhere and alit on my left index finger. I flinched and flicked it off, and it lay on its back on the floor struggling to turn over, succeeding just as I came along to crush it in a piece of tissue and throw it into the toilet.

This is the disturbing part: I crushed up another beetle and threw it into the toilet the same way last night. I flushed it, but it didn’t go down. I just said the hell with it and went to bed. It was all crushed up and in several pieces, and that was good enough. But today, I visited the bathroom again to drop a deuce. When I got up and turned around to flush, there, sitting in the bowl was a June bug, whole and perfectly formed.

I can’t imagine another June bug just flying into the bowl, landing in the water, and drowning itself. That’s suicide. This leaves me with two equally upsetting possibilities:

  1. I somehow consumed whole and subsequently shat out a large beetle.
  2. The original beetle somehow returned from death and reconstituted itself into perfect health, and then sat in my toilet awaiting its chance for revenge.

Both of these theories frankly scare me, and worse yet, my internet research seems to indicate that each may be to some extent true. A June bug is a form of scarab beetle. Scarab beetles were thought by the ancient Egyptians to spontaneously generate themselves from balls of dung, and thus were worshipped as symbols of resurrection. I’m not sure what this all means, but it can’t be good. I really need to get a screen on my window as soon as possible.

3 Responses to “Me and my bug-infested home”

  1. Isis and Osiris. Osiris is hacked to bits by Seth, the trickster/evil god, and his parts scattered. Isis gathers him together, at least what parts she finds (and makes the rest from wood), and resurrects him. One of the earliest resurrection myths. Or is it a myth?
    You’ve got a primitive insect religion going on in your house, brother. And so far you’re not the god of it. Use your opportunity wisely.
    Or you can try stinky pesticide.

  2. 2 John M

    Wow, First the Virgin Shark (shameless Blog plug). Now the resurrection of beetles…Apocalypse Trifecta now in play…

  3. 3 Elizabeth

    If you look on the window sill, you’ll find the Heroes DVD I dropped off on Friday evening. Since there’s no screen, it should be easy to see.

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