Have you ever been watching a movie or TV show and found yourself suddenly realizing something like, Hey! I have that alarm clock? I have. But then, I have a very common alarm clock.

A friend of my fencing club recently graduated from university and moved back out west, and because she couldn’t take all her stuff on the plane with her, she sold it off. I noticed her bed was up for sale. For some reason, my mom got fixated on my buying a new bed last year. She nagged me about it every time we talked. I’m pretty sure that my not possessing a properly enticing bed was just one possible theory she had as to why I haven’t provided her with any grandchildren.

And she did have a point: I did need a new bed. I’d still been sleeping on the same futon I had in university, which, as I’ve mentioned, has been broken ever since an incident when my friend Scott was dating my housemate and was chasing her around the house. They leaped up on my bed, which made a sudden crack. Then they looked at each other and said, “We won’t tell Peter about that.” But I noticed. It started to sag in the middle and got so uncomfortable that I often found myself roaming all over the bed, occasionally finding myself sleeping upside-down in a head-to-toe orientation.

So it was definitely time for a new bed, and I snapped up the nearly new IKEA model that my friend was selling. She happens to be a very pretty girl, so as I was moving it, I thought, Man, there’s probably never going to be as good-looking a girl as that one in this bed again. Then I decided to stop thinking about who else might have been in that bed from my club. You never know what kind of hanky-panky the members are getting up to on the down-low.

After putting it off for a while, I finally got around to assembling it last night. This morning, I woke up feeling totally refreshed and ready to tackle another project. Ever since my computer crashed and I had to reload my operating system, I’ve been without sound for some reason. On one hand, having no sound makes — for example — watching Rihanna videos on YouTube even better. But on the other, it’s highly inconvenient. My dad kindly sent me a new sound card and driver disc, so I used my newfound energy to install it.

It seemed to go off without a hitch, but I decided to put it through its paces. MP3 files worked fine. So did YouTube videos. So did the music for that game where you throw the stick man down the stairs, which turned out to be pretty annoying, unfortunately.

But how about movies? I downloaded a — shall we say — decidedly Scandinavian clip, by which I don’t mean a grim, depressing Stellan Skarsgård drama. It was less Dogme 95, and more doggy-style. As I watched the action unfold onscreen, I noticed something startling. I stared at the monitor. I looked into my bedroom. Then I stared at the monitor again.

Same bed.

It was unmistakable. The attractive Nordic actors onscreen happened to be cavorting on a pine DALSELV model bed from IKEA, just like my newly purchased one. Man, I thought. I’m probably never going to see as good-looking a girl as that one in that bed either. Or as open-minded, for that matter. So it turned out that it actually was a bit of a grim, depressing movie after all.

6 Responses to “DALSELV”

  1. 1 Elizabeth

    I recall reading in Cosmopolitan magazine many years ago that men who sleep on a futon are not ready for commitment. Maybe your mom read the same article.

  2. A gent bringing a lady home to a futon is less than sexy. “You want to have wild, passionate, unbridled sex on that rickety old thing?” she’s thinking. Unless of course he immediately says something like “Excuse my lack of furniture, I was going to buy a new bed, but I ended up giving the money to orphans in Darfur.”

    A lovely ikea bed however says I know how to treat a lady to euro-styled comfort which is pretty much on the par with saving orphans.

  3. 3 Jon Haynes

    hey pete its jon u probably already know this but they found chris benoit his wife and his son dead.

  4. 4 Tim

    In 1979 my mom got a wild hair and bought some really outlandish leather chairs on stainless steel frames. They were hellishly uncomfortable and we were always smashing our shins against the exposed frames. Anyways, I was watching Gataca recently and Jude Law has some kind of fancy retro apartment…. and whoa there were the same chairs. I tell that story to every stranger I encounter.

  5. Now that I think of it, I once saw Jean-Luc Picard drinking out of the same espresso set that my old housemate Nick had. I never thought of it as being particularly futuristic at the time, but I suppose that, to Picard, it might have been an antique.

  6. 6 Candace

    “Man, there’s probably never going to be as good-looking a girl as that one in this bed again.”


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