8 Summer Blockbusters Guaranteed to Disappoint

28Jun07

Your favorite internet comedian Jay Pinkerton and I have teamed up again on a new round-up of summer movie trailers available now at Cracked.com. It’s just like a Trailer Trash article, although we’re not calling it that. Because lists are what the kids are buying these days, we’re calling it “8 Summer Blockbusters Guaranteed to Disappoint”.

However, because we forgot to write this thing before a couple of prominent summer movies actually came out, we had to drop them from the article. It’s a shame, since one of them is likely to be the almightiest bunker-busting bomb of the summer. So I might as well share some notes on them here.

Evan Almighty

Steve Carell gets commanded to build an ark by God? Sounds great, except that the logical implication is that the Almighty is planning to eradicate humanity with a flood. Not only does that contradict God’s explicit promise in Genesis 8:21 not to ever do this again, but it’s a bit of a bring-down for a feel-good comedy. Plus, with Morgan Freeman as the ultimate chief executive here, isn’t this just Deep Impact played for laughs? I also have some problems with the logistics of an ark. For example, if it’s to contain two of every species, and assuming that a large proportion of the Earth’s species aren’t housed in zoos or indigenous to this continental mass, wouldn’t many species have to traverse oceans in order to arrive at the ark by the final boarding call? And if they can survive doing that, why even bother with the ark in the first place? To be fair, this is more of a problem that I have with the Book of Genesis than with Evan Almighty, but the movie had better try to give me some answers.

1408

It may sound like a pre-Columbian historical drama, but 1408 is really Stephen King asking the question, “What if The Shining took place in a single hotel room?” And the answer is that the producers would look too cheap to rent out an entire hotel for filming and that Stephen King would appear to be ripping off his own earlier, better work. The only way 1408 could be more blatantly a poor-man’s Shining would be to cast Christian Slater in the Jack Nicholson role. But then it couldn’t stretch Pinkerton’s First Law of John Cusack (“John Cusack must be completely sodden by rain in every movie in which he appears”) to absurdity by drenching him despite the entire movie taking place indoors. And while we’re examining movie laws, it might be time to give the First Law of Samuel L. Jackson (“Samuel L. Jackson makes everything he’s in better”) the critical re-evaluation for which it’s been frankly overdue since Snakes on a Plane.

I also had some thoughts on how Daddy Day Camp, the sequel to Daddy Day Care, has recast all the returning characters with new actors, like a direct-to-DVD sequel that’s being released to theaters by mistake. Rather than replace Eddie Murphy with his Norbit co-star and fellow cautionary tale of squandered promise, Cuba Gooding Jr., I figured that since Isaiah Washington is looking for work since being fired from Grey’s Anatomy for uttering homophobic slurs and choking a co-star during an on-set altercation, why not just put him on a set all day with a hundred screaming children and film whatever happens? And I also mentioned something about the cross-dressing and horrifying John Travolta looking like Ugly Betty’s maiden aunt in Hairspray. But we ultimately set these aside, as no one concerned could bear to conceive of living in a world where either Daddy Day Camp or Hairspray would be considered blockbusters.

Okay, enough of that. Go read the article.



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