Jive Soul Bro


Poor Slick. You guys won’t even let him eat his yardbird in peace. One question, though: Isn’t that a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, and if so, what KFC bills you at the end of the meal?

Incidentally, the first time I ever used “YouTube” as a verb, it was in the sentence, “I’m totally going to YouTube ‘Jive Soul Bro’.” And the second time was in the sentence “I totally couldn’t YouTube ‘Jive Soul Bro’.” But I’m happy to say that my first usage of the verb “re-YouTube” is in a successful context: That is, I re-YouTubed “Jive Soul Bro”, and someone had uploaded it since the last time I YouTubed it. Enjoy the best wrestling theme song ever until the WWE’s intellectual property goons make it get taken down.

Update: The comments still aren’t working, but your favorite internet humourist Jay Pinkerton and I had a lengthy e-mail exchange as a result of this post, some of which I think is worth sharing. Hopefully he won’t mind being quoted at length.

Jay observes, “I find it just as ludicrous that he’s got a filled-to-the-brim bucket of chicken, yet is clearly eating about four more pieces off a napkin. Did he order a family-sized bucket of chicken and a four-piece box?” My theory is that it’s an enchanted KFC bucket that’s always full, much like the everlasting drinking cup of Fionn mac Cumhaill from Celtic mythology or the divine boar that was slain, cooked, eaten, and resurrected each day in the Norse Valhalla. Except much skankier.

“I also love how if you only watched the first 10 seconds, it’s essentially KFC porn,” Jay says. “Good lord, is that guy enjoying that chicken.” It’s no wonder the Slickster is so peeved when they show up with the camera. He legitimately loves himself some yardbird and hates being interrupted.

Jay continues: “He certainly loves chicken more than speaking or singing, neither of which he’s devoted much time to, if the video is any indication. (I did at least like his fumbling attempt to find two chicken drumsticks before starting his “drumroll” — that’s dedication to a bit.)” This, I think, may be how he’s getting through an entire bucket by himself. He’s not necessarily eating it. He’s using it as drumsticks, backscratchers, and whatnot.

“Seriously, I just bought a KFC bucket a few weeks ago and it looked nothing like the stuffed-to-bursting cornucopia of chicken parts shown in that video,” Jay says. “The bucket I bought was about half the size and, even stuffed with 10 extra crispy pieces, looked pretty humble on the table. Slick’s bucket looks to contain at least 50 pieces of chicken. Forgetting for a moment that he’s eating this alone, in a restaurant no less: Is this creative license, or were KFC buckets a lot bigger back in the day? (Similar to how Archie digests and peanut butter cup packages shrink with time.)” I should point out that Slick seems to live in a different decade from everyone else. This video was made in 1987, but Slick is clearly somehow living in the early 1970s. So chances are that KFC had far better service then, which explains the huge servings and table service.

I can tell you that the quality now is terrible, or at least it was a couple of weeks ago when I had it. It was completely tasteless. I would have taken it back, but if I’m breaking down and going to KFC in the first place, I’m too hungry and lazy to be putting in a lot of effort. The only good thing about it is that it’s put me off going back for a long while, which can only be good for my health. Of course, the specific franchise near my house may be at fault, having a rich history of screwups. You may remember the time they left the plastic wrap on the cheese in my chicken club sandwich or the time they somehow ran out of chicken in a restaurant that has “chicken” in its name. In this case, maybe they just forgot to throw in the seven herbs and spices. Plus I think the manager at that KFC is legitimately retarded. She greats each customer with an identical “Hi” and it’s just a bit too loud and nasal, and the vowel isn’t too precisely articulated. She sounds like a sounds like a goose. Or a deaf person, or a retard. Or a deaf, retarded goose. It’s startling every time.

Too bad, though. KFC used to at least be a reasonably good way of eating on the cheap. As Jay fondly recalls, “I remember back in poorer days I’d go line up with about 40 other tramps outside the College/Church KFC for Toonie Tuesdays. I had it down to a science: Toonie Tuesdays, Whopper Wednesdays. I’m sure my arteries were shrieking at me, but I knew how to stretch a buck without having to cook back then.” Of course Jay’s arteries are still shrieking at him now that he’s being paid in American dollars and eating nothing but Kobe beef and pâté de foie gras,1 but Toonie Tuesday isn’t even a good deal anymore since they jacked up the price. First it was a toonie including tax, which was great.2 Then it was a toonie plus tax, which is at least defensible. Now it’s $2.49 plus tax, which brings it to $2.84 in Ontario and makes a sham of Toonie Tuesday altogether. You know they’ll still be clinging to the Toonie Tuesday name when they’ve jacked it up to $2.99, even though the out-of-pocket price will be $3.41.

“I think that should be the new minimum wage indicator,” says Jay. “Every time the fast-food restaurants jack up their poor people food by fifty cents, I want a raise.” I like this idea. Jay is a brilliant man, and he clearly should be in charge of the nation’s economy from now on. He’s the new Alan Greenspan. He certainly ain’t no jive soul bro, anyway.

1. What’s with all the references to geese I’m suddenly making? This reminds me of a thing I was doing for a while where I was using as many bird-related expressions as possible, such as “for the birds” and “cock of the walk”, in the hopes of giving people the vague impression that I might be some kind of avian-themed supervillain like the Vulture or the Penguin.
2. For non-Canadian readers, a toonie is a two-dollar coin. It’s so called because it’s twice the value of the one-dollar coin, which was introduced about a decade earlier and has a picture of a loon on it. I hoped it would be called the doubloon, but you just can’t force slang. It would have make us that much cooler in light of the recent mania for all things piratical, though.

One Response to “Jive Soul Bro”

  1. 1 Vegetable meat « Man vs. Clown!

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