A disgusting conversation posted with the encouragement of Jay’s wife


Jay and I had this AIM conversation the other day, which reads kind of like the script for Things I Shouldn’t Have Said: The Movie. (Bruce Dern is attached to star.) You may not want to read this if you are related to me or would like me to make you a sandwich at any point.

[17:15] jaypinkerton: You should come visit. It’d be nice to see a friendly Canadian face. I’ll be sure to fill you to bursting with seafood, steak and beer.
[17:15] Ruddy Ruddy: Surf and turf and beer. It’s the next best thing to letting me sleep with your wife. (Or dog.)
[17:16] jaypinkerton: You haven’t read the entire brochure yet!
[17:16] Ruddy Ruddy: Oh man, this gets better and better.
[17:17] Ruddy Ruddy: I am going to rape the shit out of your poor little dog!
[17:17] jaypinkerton: He was asking for it.
[17:17] Ruddy Ruddy: All dogs are.
[17:18] jaypinkerton: The way the little tease put his head right in your lap. What did he think was going to happen?
[17:18] Ruddy Ruddy: Well, I did smear my privates with peanut butter.
[17:19] jaypinkerton: I do that regardless of the dog.
[17:19] jaypinkerton: The natural oils are great for moisturizing.
[17:19] Ruddy Ruddy: Can you explain the hot dog that broke off inside you, necessitating that emergency room visit?
[17:20] jaypinkerton: The hot dog was the closest thing to hand.
[17:20] Ruddy Ruddy: Either that or the light bulb.
[17:20] Ruddy Ruddy: I’ve heard peanut butter can be used for shaving, but it mostly seems like it’d be great for giving yourself acne.
[17:21] jaypinkerton: It’s great for attracting rats and squirrels, anyway.
[17:21] jaypinkerton: Assuming there was a scenario where you wanted to.
[17:21] Ruddy Ruddy: To your dick?!
[17:21] jaypinkerton: Just in general.
[17:22] jaypinkerton: Maybe you’re just bored, want to see some squirrels and rats fight each other, I dunno.
[17:22] Ruddy Ruddy: You know the good thing about putting peanut butter on your privates, as a man? Unlike a woman, there’s no smearing involved. You just insert erection directly into jar.
[17:24] Ruddy Ruddy: Except later, your mom’s all, “What’s this one-inch diameter hole going all the way to the bottom of the peanut butter jar?”
[17:24] jaypinkerton: Inserting an erection directly into anything would be considered a good thing.
[17:24] jaypinkerton: You can just say you were trying to grab the peanut on top and pushed too hard.
[17:24] Ruddy Ruddy: “I fucked it right to the bottom!”
[17:25] Ruddy Ruddy: Wait. My excuse isn’t good. It takes for granted that I was trying to grab the peanut with my dick.
[17:26] Ruddy Ruddy: Like a baby elephant with its trunk.
[17:26] jaypinkerton: That makes it a nicer image, anyway. “See, baby elephant!” “Awwwwww….”
[17:27] Ruddy Ruddy: Now all I can do is picture myself fucking a jar of Skippy to the tune of “Baby Elephant Walk”.
[17:27] jaypinkerton: I find if you’re going to engage in these sorts of things, spend a little and buy your own jar. It’s $2.99.
[17:28] Ruddy Ruddy: Don’t get chunky, though. You’ll regret it.
[17:28] jaypinkerton: Yeah, too much friction.
[17:28] Ruddy Ruddy: It’s like a vagina full of gravel.
[17:28] jaypinkerton: And jams and jellies, you might as well be fucking a glass of tap water. No resistance.
[17:29] Ruddy Ruddy: Mayonnaise is good, because you can ejaculate into it and no one’s the wiser.
[17:29] jaypinkerton: A whole salmon works well, though, but it’s a higher price range. You’re going pro at that point.
[17:29] Ruddy Ruddy: I hear good things about honeydew melon.
[17:29] Ruddy Ruddy: I heard about a guy doing a slice of warm pizza once, but that just revolts me.
[17:30] jaypinkerton: I guess it depends on the toppings. Also, you’d smell like Tony Soprano just gave you oral.
[17:30] Ruddy Ruddy: Actually, I’m sure I’ve told you, but I do know a guy who allegedly fucked a fish.
[17:30] jaypinkerton: Oh, everybody knows one guy who fucked something revoltingly hilarious.
[17:30] jaypinkerton: I knew a guy who knew a guy who fucked a frog.
[17:31] Ruddy Ruddy: My brother-in-law fucked something really disgusting, but at least I got a niece and nephew out of it.

One Response to “A disgusting conversation posted with the encouragement of Jay’s wife”

  1. 1 Kendal

    I just sprayed waffle, chocolate ice-cream and, yes, some snot all over myself reading this.

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