Screw you, Barry Bonds!


It took long enough: Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run to break Hank Aaron’s career home runs record. I’m personally a little sorry to see the record fall. It’s not because Bonds is a jerk and a juicebag, though. I actually support that. It’s because, as I’ve previously mentioned, Aaron hit his record-breaking 715th home run to pass Babe Ruth’s career mark on the very same evening that I was born, April 8, 1974.

It was just an hour or two later, if I calculate it correctly, so technically, fat old, black-and-white, cigars-whiskey-and-steaks-for breakfast Babe Ruth was the career home runs leader when I was born. Now I’ve seen the record fall twice. And this is just like when I occasionally realize that I’ve actually been alive since the Nixon administration, having squeaked in there four months before his resignation, which makes the current occupant of the Oval Office the seventh US president of my lifetime. You know how thinking about this makes me feel? Old. Really, really old. Dustily, unfathomably, monstrously, primordially old.

Screw you, Barry Bonds! Screw you for hitting a ball with a stick and making me reflect on my own mortality!

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