Dane Cook’s political material

  • “First kid that comes out, boy, girl, whatever, I’m naming it Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Or Optimus Prime. I just think it would be really funny because you can’t do that in a repressive nanny state like Germany, where each baby’s name has to be legally registered to ensure it reflects the baby’s sex and doesn’t endanger its well-being with a government office called the Standesamt — or, as I call it, the Sangdesamt.”
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  • “When the government tells you what you can’t put in your newspaper, I call that censorshit!”
  • “Here’s another way to be remembered. The next time you join a political party, go into the room where all the coats are, and shit on the coats.”
  • “The other day, I saw a young boy, and he was eating an ice cream cone, I ran up and I smashed it into his face, I leaned in, I go, “You remember me forever!” and I ran away. You know when he’s 50, he’s gonna be like, ‘One day a man ran up to me. I did not know this man. He smashed my treat into my eyes, and that’s why, if elected to office, I promise you I will take action to reduce street crime in our city by putting more police officers on the streets.'”
  • “In Soviet Russia, television watches you!” [Note to self: Flesh this out with a lot more shouting and gesticulating]

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