Let’s make this happen


1. I was trying to recall the jingle for Mr. Christie’s cookies earlier. Everyone seems to remember that the slogan was “Mr. Christie, you make good cookies”, but there was a jingle in the commercials too, which probably incorporated this slogan. The problem was that each time I tried to remember this jingle, it kept coming out as Night Ranger’s “Sister Christian” — e.g., “Mister Christie, oh the time has come / you make good cookies and they’re so much fun”. This isn’t the real jingle, but it would be a pretty good one. What’s Jack Blades doing these days, anyway? Someone should put him in touch with Kraft Foods so he can get down to the studio, lay this down on tape, and make a quick payday out of it. Let’s make some phone calls.

2. Today, I was using a urinal, and there was a guy in the toilet stall immediately beside me using the facilities for some stand-up business. He was already in there when I showed up. I’m not sure what he was doing until I walked in — it was like he was just waiting — but I heard him start urinating at the exact same time as me, and he stopped at the exact same time too. As most men know, the noise of using a urinal is markedly different than that of urinating into a toilet. The former is a barely audible hiss, and the latter is a noisier, deeper sounding cascade. So the overall effect of having this offstage urinator doing his business at the exact same time as me was like if a foley artist had enhanced the sound effect of my peeing. This was a little creepy at first, but the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of having my own personal foley artist to punch up every noise I make. I’m taking applications.

3. Matchmaker to the stars that I am, I’m not giving up on my idea that Kevin-Arnold-love-interest-cum-math-whiz Danica McKellar and juvenile- Starfleet-ensign-turned-blogger Wil Wheaton would make an ideal celebrity couple: You know who else would be perfect together? Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse. They’re both English, they’re both singers, and they seem to have a lot of the same interests. And they’re close in age, and will remain that way eternally after the inevitable Sid and Nancy style denouement. It’d be an amazing trainwreck to watch. Somebody set these two kids up.

10 Responses to “Let’s make this happen”

  1. 1 Funk Delivery

    First, I think Wil Wheaton is married. Second, your bathroom stall story made me think you’d go for a crack at Larry Craig and perhaps work in Mark Foley as your “bathroom artist”. Third, I always enjoy the rare occasion that I take a leak to be remembered, which inevitably involves some poor shmoe’s walking in after I’ve begun, doing his business, finishing, washing his hands, and leaving… all with no slack in my stream. I should drink lemonade more often.

  2. 2 Funk Delivery

    Peter, I don’t think my comment posted before, so here’s another attempt: First, I think Wil Wheaton is married. Second, when I read about a bathroom stall, I thought you’d go for a Larry Craig crack (perhaps Mark Foley can be your “bathroom artist”). And third, I always enjoy those rare but transient leaks in which someone else enters the restroom after I begin, carries out business, washes hands, and leaves before I finish. I should drink lemonade more often.

  3. 3 james

    sometimes it just takes a while to come out. I hate it when I go to pee and then nothing comes out, so I just stand there cause it would be weird to be in and out so quick.

  4. I am proud to say that after several weekends of neglecting Calculus and work productivity, I have finally read your entire blog archive. I do have one question though, would I say “blog archive” or “blog archives” in that preceding statement? Essentially, there is only one archive, but one could also argue that each month is an archive, or at least a sub-archive. On that note, should I even use a hyphen when writing sub-archive? Damn your grammatical prowess and the grapple hold of fear it holds on me as I make my first comment.

    Also, reading through your archives (50% chance of doing it right) has saved me the trouble of trying to be genuinely funny. No one I know reads your blog, and I can simply steal your material and look like a well rounded humorist.

  5. 5 hilly

    Peter, did you ever restore your work-related material, or is there some sort of non-disclosure agreement regarding that?

  6. James: Sometimes, when you can’t get the job done, you have to fake it for the benefit of others. Ask your girlfriend.

    Michael: I would say “archive”. I would also say “No stealing!”

    Hilly: There’s a fair amount of material that’s back online, albeit with all references that could possibly be construed as identifying removed, usually to the extent that it’s not even clear that it’s taking place in an office. Some of it will just have to stay offline, but a fair chunk of it has been cleaned up and restored.

  7. Stealing? Nay, consider it a “reimagining” of your original work.

  8. 8 Pearl

    Maybe it’s like the movie Fight Club and the other guy was your ideal alter ego. Or your true self, cowering in a stall.

  9. 9 Joy

    *tsk tsk*

    No one likes a plagiarist. Hot chicks dig authenticity!
    (It’s true)

  10. 10 james

    burn. that would hurt if i had a girlfriend.

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