This is why I’m all shooped out


When I got home tonight, the house reeked of vodka and Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s “Shoop” was blaring in the living room. Toula and her sister Gina were having a party to celebrate that they weren’t going camping. Something about that doesn’t quite make sense, but I wasn’t going camping either, so I had some ice cream in my room.

At first, they were just playing a bunch of old-school house music jams. It was much better than their usual party music, actually. It was like a cool nightclub circa 1990, or at least a MuchMusic video dance party. I kept waiting for Master T to pop by. But eventually, they reverted to their usual playlists, singing along tunelessly to Andy Kim’s “Rock Me Gently” and caterwauling along to the pieces they misremembered of Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart.”

Eventually, the music turned into a high-pitched, repetitive drone. Finally, I came back out of my room, making the gourd face. “What is that?” I asked Toula and Gina, who were merrily washing dishes.

“It’s a song!” Gina said.

“It’s piercing,” I said. I walked into the living room and over to the stereo. “The CD is skipping.” I pressed the stop button, and the cacophony stopped.

Toula was amazed at my ability to diagnose and fix the problem. “Oh, you have a similar system?”

“No, I just know what a skipping CD sounds like.”

8 Responses to “This is why I’m all shooped out”

  1. 1 james

    why do you live with this woman?

  2. 2 Funk Delivery

    In the spirit of George Costanza’s Opposite philosophy, I’m beginning to think that I should date Toula.

  3. 3 Francesca

    to keep us entertained… we are grateful!

  4. 4 Candace

    For our entertainment!

    Toula stories are my absolute favorite!

  5. 5 hilly

    Two questions about Toula:

    1. Why has she not swallowed her own tongue and died at this point?

    2. Are you secretly using her for borderline-retarded booty calls, and this is why you insist on living with her?

  6. 6 Pearl

    Do you get fat government checks for rooming with the mentally challenged?

  7. That’s sad since Gina doesn’t even have brain damage as an excuse…

  8. 8 Jackie

    You should publish an anthology of Toula stories once you part ways with her. Something like the vinyl cafe’s books of Stuart McLean stories meets the Darwin awards.

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