Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Jack Daniels


Judging by footage I’ve seen of Van Halen’s pre-tour rehearsals, there’s no doubt about Wolfgang Van Halen’s parentage. He’s got his dad’s ugly mug and his mom’s weight problem. Wolfie’s mom, as you may know, is former One Day at a Time star Valerie Bertinelli, who’s now appearing as Kirstie Alley’s weight-loss protegé in the Jenny Craig commercials.

I think they’re missing the obvious angle in this ad campaign. What’s Valerie’s motivation to lose weight? Why now? Because she’s a recent divorcée, and she’s in the market for a new man. They need to play this up.

And here’s the best way to do it. Who else is recently divorced from Eddie Van Halen and is significantly overweight — more specifically, a big fat party animal? That’s right, fired bassist Michael Anthony.

Jenny Craig needs to get him into the ads. Have him lose weight side-by-side with Valerie. Along the way, they can get to know each other better and discover how much they have in common (e.g., being fat, hating Eddie). After a while, as they begin to slim down and get into shape, the two might begin to see each other in a new light and develop a growing mutual attraction. The final ads in the campaign might just be 30-second spots featuring nothing but Valerie Bertinelli and Michael Anthony making out. Maybe Kirstie Alley and Sammy Hagar can cheer them on and clink shot glasses of tequila in the background.

This ad campaign could definitely widen Jenny Craig’s target market,* with great appeal to overweight housewives, big fat party animals, and people who think Eddie Van Halen’s a bit of a douche. So, pretty much everybody.

* Insert your own joke here.

2 Responses to “Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Jack Daniels”

  1. You know what your problem is, Pete? You don’t know how to think big. You see a Jenny Craig campaign, and I see an award-winning VH1 series.

  2. Kirstie Alley’s career sure went downhill after The Wrath of Khan…

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