Name? Mr. B.L. ZeBub.


If someone knocks on our front door, it’s a dead giveaway that it’s no one we know. That one’s been sealed off with insulation and out of use for years now. If they knock on the side door to the kitchen, I generally don’t bother with it, because it’s going to be for someone else. I usually only get up to answer a knock at my own personal private entrance toward the rear of the house. Just like the song says, I’m a backdoor man.

Nevertheless, there was a loud and insistent pounding on our front door yesterday that I had to get up and investigate. Peering from the window to the side, I could see that it was a couple of Asian girls. They gave up after a while and went around to the kitchen door and pounded on that. I caved in and opened it. The girls were standing there, with one of them holding a clipboard with a questionnaire they wanted me to fill out. Printed on it several times in bold type were the words “God the Mother”.

Aw, Christ, I thought. It’s the cult of Anatolian Cybele. I couldn’t close the door fast enough. “Do you go to church?” I heard one ask in accented English as it slammed shut.

“No,” I said to the closed door.

I sat at my desk and glared at them through the venetian blinds as they came around to my door and pounded on it for a while too before eventually giving up and moving along to the next house. I’d handled that situation completely wrong. I ought to have taken the questionnaire and politely filled it out. Only, when I returned it, they’d see that every space would have been filled out with the number 666, depictions of hands throwing the rock-and-roll horns, and pictures of the devil miming cunnilingus by sticking his tongue out and forking his fingers beside his mouth.

3 Responses to “Name? Mr. B.L. ZeBub.”

  1. So you shut the door on them, and they responded by running around the house and banging on another door? That’s like the “Let’s Make a Deal” of hard-sell conversions.

  2. 2 hookerbaby

    shit. there are a ton of those in korea. i’ve been CHASED. and all i can think is “who taught them english? now they can harass me”

  3. 3 Eric

    Don’t forget to enclose the picture of yourself wearing those devil horns.

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