The Ultimate Blog

05Feb08

I’ve long been a fan of the Ultimate Warrior, and I’ve long been a fan of writing blog posts that start out with those words. So I’m happy to say that, at long last, the ultimate one now has a blog of his own.

Actually, he sort of had one before. At least, he had a web space where he posted his insane, poorly-edited ramblings; he just didn’t call it a blog until recently. And when I say “insane,” I mean it was insane. But I’ve covered that before. So let me say that when I say it was “poorly edited,” I mean it was poorly edited. Once, Scott e-mailed him to point out a typo, and Warrior wrote him back to thank him. Then I did the same, and Warrior wrote back to tell me off. (See the “insane” part, previously.) I can’t quote verbatim what he said anymore, but I can quote the similar faux letter to the editor that I wrote in a pastiche of his style for a parody issue of my old university newspaper, Golden Words, which basically jammed each of his responses together and added a little destrucity (whatever that is):

Thank you for the corrections you made, unrequested, to my last correspondence to your munificent publication, and I commend you for the piercing scrutinization that you have shown. In this timeline, however, I must humbly suggest that you not debase an ability we should wish more people in this world had. I am one. I, myself, wish that I had been held to a higher standard and accountability as it relates to my own understanding of the English Language, for such is not in accordance to the principles of destrucity and thus does not befit a true Warrior. It is, after all, what we use to “say what we mean and mean what we say.” Thanks again.

Always Believe,

Jim Hellwig

He really wrote like that. That wasn’t actually the last time I exchanged e-mail with Mr. Hellwig, as he was known before he legally changed his name to Warrior (which was partly a brilliant strategy to wrest control of his trademarks from former employer Vince McMahon and partly, of course, insane). I got fed up with not being able to decipher what he was talking about on his website that I eventually volunteered my copyediting services, free of charge. He didn’t take me up on it, though, which is probably for the best, because he is, once again, insane.

Here’s an example of his insanity, from a WWE-produced DVD called The Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior, which intersperses clips of his eccentric promos with clips of various talking heads in the employ of WWE absolutely burying him:

To be fair, they were going out of their way to make Warrior look bad, as if you couldn’t guess from the title of the DVD. My inner conspiracy theorist says that the whole thing was done not only as a way of letting McMahon exercise a petty grudge against Warrior, but also as a message to Bret Hart, who was, at the time, refusing to coöperate in the production of a retrospective DVD that McMahon wanted to make about him (since, you know, McMahon betrayed him and then killed his brother). The Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior was a way of showing what a hatchet job McMahon could do on someone who didn’t want to get involved with a DVD project. So surely, all this was probably taken out of context and edited to make him look like a punk, right?

Wrong. His promos really were that bizarre. Not just that one, either. Check out this one:

And that one really shows what a brilliant gimmick the Ultimate Warrior could have had if they’d been willing to tweak it in the tiniest way and send him over the edge into heeldom: the insane would-be messiah, who doesn’t hate Hulk Hogan, but merely sees himself as a washed-up Hogan’s natural successor. From his own perspective, he’d be the Jesus Christ to Hogan’s John the Baptist; from everyone else’s, the Azrael to his Batman. (And the brilliant part is that, from everything he’s ever written on his website, Warrior evidently really does see himself as some sort of messiah/philosopher-king/Übermensch; he actually capitalizes his pronouns when he talks about his persona as the Ultimate Warrior.) It could have made for a hell of an angle if they’d taken it just a little further, with Warrior going completely off the deep end and becoming more and more ruthless in his misguided crusade until the true champion was forced to confront him in a battle for the souls of humanity and Hulkamania.

Instead, though, they chose to just keep him as a good-aligned (if nutty) superhero and a role model for children, as seen in this anti-smoking PSA. I like how he starts out with two fistfuls of cigarettes in his mouth, like he’s setting a Guinness world record. It provokes the idea that later PSAs counseled against the dangers of eating a lot of hard-boiled eggs in an hour or wearing a beard of bees.

Steroids and mountains of cocaine aren’t really bad habits if they help you survive. Remember that, kids.

Always believe.



7 Responses to “The Ultimate Blog”

  1. 1 Phil

    Is Scott your ‘Math Librarian’ mixed martial arts fighting guy friend? If so, maybe Mr Warrior was only mean to you because you aren’t deadly enough to address him in person.

  2. 2 Ross

    I was surprised he still signed it Jim Hellwig. I was certain he was still legally ‘The Warrior’.

    Also, I remember being a massive fan of his as a kid, but man, why? Why?

  3. 3 Peter Lynn

    Well, that was a made-up letter that I signed “Jim Hellwig”. But it wasn’t very made up.

    Also, Mike is the Math Librarian. I’m deadlier than Scott, except at Scrabble.

  4. Actually, in reading through his blog, I think Ultimate Warrior reads uncannily like Pat’s blog at Achewood.com.

  5. 5 Eric

    Ah, looks like Jay’s alive after all. Go update your blog, you slug.

  6. 6 Eric

    Damn, should’ve called him va-Jay-Jay when I had the chance. Next time….

  7. 7 Ross

    My bad.

    It is a testament to the insanity of society that a guy who can create a blog in which he sounds incomprehensible and rambling can somehow become a public speaker.


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