Strike three

07Feb08
Evidently, I’m some kind of three-note nerd. Candace is obviously a woman of nearly inexhaustible patience to maintain a continued association with me, but even she has her limits. She’s been kvetching* that I somehow seem to lead all our conversations back to three subjects: hockey, professional wrestling, and Star Trek. I can tell I’m wearing on her last nerve.

“Hey, I just read that Toronto’s waterfront was once at Front Street — hence the name,” I’ll say. “Everything south of there is built on landfill dumped there, including the Air Canada Centre. No wonder the Leafs play like garbage. They play on garbage.”

“Strike one,” she’ll say.

I’m quickly realizing that if I bring up the episode of Star Trek: Voyager where the Rock guest-stars as an alien gladiator or the old jobber called The Goon who wore the wrestling boots designed to look like hockey skates, I’m going to be starting out with two strikes against me from the get-go.

The last two posts on this blog have in fact been about hockey and professional wrestling, and I’m told I’ve nearly earned comments of “Strike one” and Strike two” for each one. Because I don’t like to do what’s good for me, this post is of course going to be about Star Trek. And because the last two have been YouTube-oriented posts, I’ll just pass along three short clips I’ve forced her to watch recently, with short comments.

“Spock’s Brain”, noted as the worst episode of the original series, was on recently. There are actually a few things I like about it. I like how McCoy rigs up the lobotomized Spock with a remote control so he can drive him around like a toy car, for instance. And I like how after McCoy puts on the intelligence-enhancing helmet and gets his IQ boosted a jillion points so he can figure out how to put Spock’s brain back in his head and rewire it, he gets this faraway look and says, “Of course! It’s so simple! A child could do it!” I always want to say that when I’ve figured out something difficult (or even if I’ve just made a good move in Scrabulous). And, even though it’s awful writing, I like how they make Spock act enormously out of character by prattling on like a bore about the fascinating alien culture at the end — even raising one finger cartoonishly as he pontificates — just so McCoy can get a monstrous burn on him. Basically, Deforest Kelley makes that episode worthwhile. But the one non-McCoy thing I like about it is when the retarded alien chick gets frustrated about being grilled about the whereabouts of Spock’s grey matter and yells, “Brain and brain! What is brain?!” I was obsessed with that phrase for about a day and a half.

Poor Candace would try to change the subject. “I love this dress,” she’d say, showing me a picture of Ellen Pompeo at some awards ceremony. “Pompeo always looks mousy to me these days, but she looks good here.”

“Pompeo and Pompeo!” I’d say. “What is Pompeo?!”

* * *

This video has been making the rounds lately. It’s a medley of clips where it looks like a whole bunch of Trek characters are having orgasms. I just want to point out that when Wesley Crusher gets the bukkake treatment, it’s the result of an ice-cream-related mishap on the part of a character played by Chad Allen, who you may remember from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. (I watched this episode only a couple of hours before seeing this video, coincidentally.) About six years after this episode aired, Chad Allen was outed as gay by tabloids and has since become an activist for the LGBT community. Good for him, I say. But I do wonder if that makes Wil Wheaton feel a little funny when he watches this clip.

* * *

I kind of thought that the recent video of Tom Cruise apparently going off the deep end while chatting about Scientology was actually a little unfair, given that it seemed intentionally spliced together to make him look as unintelligible as possible. However, I was a little taken with the idea that the reason Scientologists are the only ones who can assist at accident scenes, as Tom claims, is that they have access to all kinds of futuristic Star Trek technology, including medical tricorders. Also, when you go into their headquarters without authorization, security will stun you with hand phasers. And no Scientologists were killed in 9/11 because they were all beamed aboard the mothership. And when they hook you up to their E-meters to audit you, it looks exactly like the above scene.

Okay, that’s enough. I’ll stop now.

* She does enjoy Yiddish, though, so I’m throwing this in here so she won’t be completely disgusted with me.



5 Responses to “Strike three”

  1. 1 Candace

    I don’t say “strike one”, I say “that’s ONE!” the way parents do when threatening a naughty kid in church before taking him out to the parking lot to smack his bottom (I know this from experience).

    By the way, you’re well past three now. Prepare that tuchus for the potch of a lifetime.

    Thanks for the Yiddish. xxx

  2. 2 Marlene

    I read “The Goon” just as either Sharon or Lois was telling Rabbit Foo-Foo that he’d be turned into a goon.

  3. Alas, am I the only one who remembers Chad Allen from Our House? Wilford Brimley, man!

  4. 4 Peter Lynn

    Actually, Our House is where I mainly remember him from. I loved Wilford Brimley. He was all, “Quaker Oats, motherfucker!”

  5. 5 Scott

    Candace has no idea how good she has it. Back in the day Peter used to steer conversations into only one of two things: Pro Wrestling and Star Trek. He didn’t really start talking hockey until he started playing those NHL video games.


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