I Rape Babies


Whoa. Well, I guess I’d better explain that title.

In the days before I wrote ill-advised and offensively titled blog posts under my own name, I had a couple of different online pseudonyms. Back in university when I played Quake and Team Fortress online, I logged into the deathmatches under the handle “self” — all in lowercase letters like that. That way, when someone fragged me, a message like “Deathstroke69 killed self” would pop up on the screen. Inevitably, poor Deathstroke69 would pause for a confused second to figure out if and how he’d accidentally committed suicide, at which point I’d respawn right behind him and railgun him in the head for real. It was cheap but effective. Once when I logged on, someone I’d played with previously spotted me and yelled, “Oh, man, self is here! He’s gonna school all you bitches!” It’s still one of my proudest moments.

My other main online pseudonym was I Rape Babies. I should say right now that of course I really don’t rape babies. In effigy, sure, now and then. But never actual babies. I don’t even like the idea in principle. But back when I worked at my campus satirical rag, there were often times in the wee hours of the morning when most of the writing had been done, but the writing staff still had to hang around until the paper was laid out, just to make sure all the space was accounted for. Otherwise, the layout staff might have had to write things to fill it, and they were generally layout staff and not writers for good reason. So we’d kill time by logging into internet chatrooms and stirring up trouble.

We frequented a teen-oriented chatroom, because, well, teenagers are idiots and easy to mess with. But there was still an art to this.* It’s easy to just say incendiary things. But it’s more rewarding to say completely innocuous things while posting under an incendiary user name. My colleague Justin, for instance, went by the name Free Abortions Here. I can’t remember what name Jason used, but within two sentences, it got him blasted as a “nigger-loving faggot,” a reaction surely wildly out of proportion to whatever it was that he did. I’m surprised he didn’t simply log out and return using the name Nigger-Loving Faggot.

I’d log in under the name I Rape Babies and just try to hold normal conversations. I wouldn’t talk about my supposed vocation at all, but people still would jump all over me. It’s a funny thing. Everybody knows that people lie on the internet, but people see a guy named I Rape Babies and automatically take it as an article of faith that he genuinely is an inveterate baby rapist. That doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. You’d think real baby rapists would want to keep it on the down-low, rather than proudly announce it right in their user names.

I’d get banned pretty quickly, so I’d just register a variant and come right back. Sometimes it would be just be I Rape Babies_98 or something like that, but once the site automatically suggested I Rape Babies And I Like It Like That. This is better than anything I could possibly have thought of on my own. It’s so unapologetic, as if to say, “This is who I am. I rape babies. Get over yourselves and deal with it. America — love it or leave it.”

Eventually, I got tired of the frequent re-registration process and switched to a new name: Ultragay. I really did nothing other than have that name and try to hold friendly conversations. Nonetheless, it always caused people to shout things. These were not things like, “Oh, man, Ultragay is here! He’s gonna school all you bitches!” These things were more along the lines of uncalled-for homophobic invective. However, I did frequently get more supportive private messages saying things like, “It’s totally cool with me if you are, but I’m just wondering — are you actually gay?”

Of course it’s none of their business, and they weren’t likely to get a straight answer out of me. My response was always “No … I’m ULTRAGAY!” And I may well have added, “And I like it like that!

* There are other valid art forms to disrupting chatrooms, of course. This is where I first noticed Scott’s talent for writing believable pidgin English. He’d do things like type frustrated-sounding orders to everyone in the chatroom such as “1-2-3, shut up, okay?” People really thought he was struggling with English as a second language.

16 Responses to “I Rape Babies”

  1. 1 Scott

    First off, let me say that since I’m posting the first comment there’s a line up top that says “No Responses to ‘I Rape Babies'” which may imply that you’ve left us temporarily dumbfounded. Secondly, I’d like to say that while “I Rape Babies and I Like it Like That” was the funniest of the automatically generated alternate handles I still have a special place in my heart for “I Rape Babies Badda Boom Badda Bing”.

  2. 2 Adrienne

    I’m pretty sure that the troll-baiting quickly became less of a time-killer and more the sole reason you guys stuck around EngSoc after PizzaRound3. Look inside yourself. You KNOW it to be true.

  3. 3 Matt

    We once published a two-page spread of a chat room debacle that we started in the middle of the afternoon. As you can imagine, it was absolute filler.

  4. 4 Eric

    “I put on my wizard’s hat and robe…”

    Anyone remember that classic?

  5. 5 Peter Lynn

    Scott: Ha ha! I can always count on you to supply the details I’ve forgotten. That’s clearly the handle Tony Soprano would have chosen if he were a baby rapist.

    Adrienne: Well, I had to stick around until the end when I was editor. But you’re still right.

    Matt: It’s still a step above photocopying a bunch of thumbtacks and printing that, as Nick Reeve once did. That, my friend, is filler.

    Eric: Ha. Yes, if I recall correctly, my girlfriend recently asked me about what it was like to play D&D, and I made her read the Legend of Bloodninja.

  6. 6 Matt

    I like how “Things I shouldn’t have said #25” was tagged as a possibly related post.

  7. 7 hilly

    Do you still log onto FPS games and shoot people? Cuz if you do (and not to sound all stalkery, but I ran across your Cracked post about GTAIV), I’d seriously consider getting on a server and see if your railgun skills are as good as your writing chops.

  8. You mean this Cracked thread? I like that thread.

    If my railgun skills are as good as my writing chops, I’ll get fragged for sure! I actually haven’t played a FPS for years, let alone against real humans on an online server. I’m not sure how I’d do. On one hand, I’m older and theoretically slower to react. On the other, all that fencing ought to have done something for my reflexes. What’s the best FPS out there these days?

  9. 9 hilly

    Well, FPS games have branched into two directions. You’ve got your vanilla deathmatch accompanying a single-player game, and probably the pinnacle of that would be something like Far Cry or Crysis. Both developed by Crytech, but Crysis is much prettier and more fun. It also sports a graphics engine that only a supercomputer could handle. Seriously, this thing apparently wasn’t designed to run smoothly on contemporary cards with all settings on full.

    Then there’s teamplay deathmatch, the most popular of which would be Team Fortress 2. If you want to dip your toes in and get re-acquainted, there are a number of good support roles like Engineer or Medic that get you involved with making you a primary target. I recommend Engineer until you get the feel for things — it’s fun banging a sentry gun together, dropping dispensers and generally making yourself useful to friends and an annoyance to foes. TF2 is especially good with the Orange Box bundle (Portal is especially short and great) and can be conveniently downloaded through Steam, the best digital download service ever.

    In fact, to play it you’ll HAVE to subscribe through Steam, but that’s all right because it’s a free service and has a number of very good features. For instance, you can back up all your Steam games to a drive (including third-party mods), which is neat and tidy since everything is kept in one folder. Then you can copy all that data to a new drive, log into Steam, and fire everything up. This is much better than dragging out the original media, finding the serial number (hope you kept your manual!), loading everything, and then patching it. Did I mention that Steam auto-patches?

    And the online store is huge. Seriously, it even supports games for developers that aren’t even around anymore, plus it runs older games and scales the speed down to a reasonable level — playing Railroad Tycoon 2 stops becoming an exercise in controlling the hyperspeed-scrolling mouse.

  10. 10 hilly

    That should be “get you involved withOUT making you a primary target.”

  11. 11 hilly

    What’s the symbol to right of the posts for? Am I a pretty and unique snowflake?

  12. 12 MC

    You’ve won the Homer Simpson Transmundanity Award this week for this post:

  13. 13 Arjan

    ‘and they weren’t likely to get a straight answer out of me.’ this made me laugh very hard…a straight answer from ultragay.
    my brother used to call himself ‘yourowndumbself’ in UT because if you commited suicide it would generally say ‘you killed your own dumb self’ ..so if they killed him you could hardly tell the difference except for the spaces.

  14. 14 JET

    I used to be in a Punk band called Baby Au Gratin, althought does sound/look better in the original Swedish: Spädbarnsgratäng.

  15. 15 Peter Lynn

    Oh, I should add that “I rape babies” is actually a direct quote from former Queen’s University AMS president [name redacted], from when I ran into him in the washroom at the campus pub the night he was elected. An odd response to the question “How does it feel to be the new student body president?” but, in fairness, he was really drunk.

  16. 16 Candace

    It’ll be interesting when he Googles himself and finds his name under THIS post.

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