Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: From Paris Hilton to Doc Severinsen

21May08

Paris Hilton supposedly slept with Tom Sizemore, who’s alleged to have made a sex tape with Elizabeth Hurley, who was famously cuckqueaned by Hugh Grant, who presumably at least knows Bridget Jones author Helen Fielding, who co-wrote a celebrity-hookup book called Who’s Had Who, which heavily inspired the article I’ve got on Cracked right now called Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina. That article is trimmed down from a much longer work of scholarship involving an enormous spreadsheet including hundreds of names, names I’m revealing here in supplementary posts, names like Henry Kissinger, Arsenio Hall, José Canseco, George S. Patton, all five Spice Girls, and — yes — Kevin Bacon.

From Paris Hilton to Ingrid Casares
Though she denied it at the time, Hilton was seen kissing nightclub impresario and celebrity lesbian Ingrid Casares on a Miami dance floor in 2003. But two years later, videos leaked from her (allegedly) hacked cell phone show Hilton making out with Casares. These could have just been fake lesbian smooches done as publicity stunts, but Playboy Playmate Nicole Lenz claims to have a videotape of a 2003 sex romp in which she and Hilton pleasured each other with sex toys for hours at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas. It’s a good bet that Hilton went all the way with Casares too.

From Ingrid Casares to Madonna
Casares also dated Sandra Bernhard, who introduced her to her pal Madonna. After having her participate in photographs for her erotic coffee-table book Sex, Madonna stole Casares from Bernhard, ending their friendship. “I’ve always had a theory that you meet people to meet other people,” Casares told New York magazine. “I met Sandra because I was supposed to meet M. It’s very obvious.” That’s just cold.

From Madonna to Vanilla Ice
Also appearing in Sex was Vanilla Ice, who dated Madonna for eight months in 1992. After they broke up, she upgraded to dating Dennis Rodman — Vanilla Ice being one of the rare celebrities of which it can be safely said that a transfer to Dennis Rodman is an upgrade rather than an enormous error in judgment. Vanilla Ice went on to cut poorly received rap-metal, appear in backyard wrestling matches with the Insane Clown Posse, and sleep with whatever aging groupie would still have him.

From Vanilla Ice to Connie Hamzy
For instance, “Sweet Connie” Hamzy ordered a big scoop of Vanilla. The notorious rock and roll groupie says she’s screwed every major rock star who’s come through Little Rock, Arkansas, since she was a teen in the 1970s—and former governor Bill Clinton, to boot. (Huey Lewis is the best-endowed, she says.) Her exploits are even immortalized in the Grand Funk Railroad song “We’re An American Band.” “Fucking musicians and singers is my life,” she says.

From Connie Hamzy to Doc Severinsen
But former Tonight Show bandleader Doc Severinsen? The old geezer with the trumpet and the glitzy suits? Sure. Doc parties. He drank like a fish until finding that it was easier to hit high notes without a hangover. He scored the nudist-themed cult film Nude on the Moon. He was the first grand marshal of New Orleans’ biggest Mardi Gras parade. And according to comedian Kip Adotta, whom Severinsen invited to his dressing room after a Tonight Show appearance, “Doc” is short for “Doctor Feelgood”: “Doc Severinsen asked me to be seated and produced the biggest bag of cocaine I had ever seen. And it was also the best cocaine I have ever had — pure Peruvian flake…. That’s why they call Doc Severinsen ‘Doc’.”

For the four most amazing — and frequently alarming — hookup chains, check out the article Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina on Cracked.com.

Also check out Who’s Dated Who, which was helpful in the research and from which I shamelessly swiped the above photos!



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