Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: From Paris Hilton to Tie Domi

22May08

Paris Hilton supposedly slept with Tom Sizemore, who’s alleged to have made a sex tape with Elizabeth Hurley, who was famously cuckqueaned by Hugh Grant, who presumably at least knows Bridget Jones author Helen Fielding, who co-wrote a celebrity-hookup book called Who’s Had Who, which heavily inspired the article I’ve got on Cracked right now called Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina. That article is trimmed down from a much longer work of scholarship involving an enormous spreadsheet including hundreds of names, names I’m revealing here in supplementary posts, names like Henry Kissinger, Arsenio Hall, José Canseco, George S. Patton, all five Spice Girls, and — yes — Kevin Bacon.

From Paris Hilton to Jared Leto
In January 2008, Hilton was spotted giving actor/singer/eyeliner enthusiast Jared Leto a lap dance and making out with him at the Sundance film festival. It’s not the first time, either; longtime girlfriend Cameron Diaz dumped him in 2001 after he was seen making out with Hilton at a party. It simultaneously warms the heart and turns the stomach to see these two kids back together after all these years.

From Jared Leto to Sharon Stone
Speculation of a May-December romance between Leto and Sharon Stone was rampant after the two were spotted canoodling in an LA nightclub in 2006. At the Sundance film festival in 2008, while Hilton enjoyed her pony ride with the pretty-boy singer, Stone was interviewed while wearing massive amounts of eyeliner and lamenting how sick she was of “men who act like women.”

From Sharon Stone to Bill Clinton
Persistent rumors have linked Stone with former president Bill Clinton, and with good reason. For one, he once changed his schedule so that he and Stone could be in San Francisco at the same time. For another, he once arranged for her to sit next to him at a fundraising dinner, thwarting Hilary’s best efforts to the contrary. Also, he reportedly often gushed to friends about Stone’s notorious beaver shot in Basic Instinct. And lastly, he’s a dirty dog who’ll hump pretty much anything.

From Bill Clinton to Belinda Stronach
For instance, Clinton is also rumored to have trysted with billionaire and former Canadian government minister Belinda Stronach. Previously, Stronach dated basset-hound-faced Canadian politician Peter MacKay before abruptly dumping both him and his political party. Then McKay formed a suspiciously affectionate bond with US secretary of state Condoleezza Rice, who’s been known to slip up and accidentally call her boss and close friend, President George W. Bush, “my husband.” Politics really is like Hollywood for ugly people.

From Belinda Stronach to Tie Domi
On the subject of ugly people, following her split with MacKay, Stronach dated former Toronto Maple Leafs enforcer Tie Domi. The “Albanian Assassin” isn’t the only hockey player within six degrees of Hilton (who played hockey herself in high school). One can also connect her indirectly to Wayne Gretzky, Mark Messier, Sergei Fedorov, Pavel Bure, Alexei Yashin, Mike Comrie, Jarret Stoll, and Sean Avery. Hilton has personally hooked up with Jared Aulin — how she managed to find a second famous Jared to shag without resorting to pity-fucking Subway spokesman Jared Fogle is a feat of supreme ingenuity and skankiness — and is responsible for breaking up the marriage of goalie José Theodore.

For the four most amazing — and frequently alarming — hookup chains, check out the article Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina on Cracked.com.

Also check out Who’s Dated Who, which was helpful in the research and from which I shamelessly swiped the above photos!



6 Responses to “Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: From Paris Hilton to Tie Domi”

  1. 1 Eric

    Don’t forget the Burt Ward chain you told me about in Pinkerton’s forum.

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    Do you mean the Adam West chain I mentioned in the Cracked forum? That goes like this:
    Adam West -> Patty Duke -> Frank Sinatra -> Grace Kelly -> Robert Evans -> Paris Hilton

  3. Can you connect yourself to Miss Hilton? Or, failing that, yourself to Jay Pinkerton?

  4. 5 Peter Lynn

    I’m as alarmed at the idea of linking myself to Jay Pinkerton as I’m sure he would be.

    As far as I know, I can’t link myself to Paris Hilton. According to my calculations, however, one bold move 15 years ago, and I’d be seven degrees of separation away.

  5. I’ve been watching Paris Hilton’s BFF. Where do they get these people? They are from another planet!


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