Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: From Paris Hilton to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

23May08

Paris Hilton supposedly slept with Tom Sizemore, who’s alleged to have made a sex tape with Elizabeth Hurley, who was famously cuckqueaned by Hugh Grant, who presumably at least knows Bridget Jones author Helen Fielding, who co-wrote a celebrity-hookup book called Who’s Had Who, which heavily inspired the article I’ve got on Cracked right now called Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina. That article is trimmed down from a much longer work of scholarship involving an enormous spreadsheet including hundreds of names, names I’m revealing here in supplementary posts, names like Henry Kissinger, Arsenio Hall, José Canseco, George S. Patton, all five Spice Girls, and — yes — Kevin Bacon.

From Paris Hilton to Leonardo DiCaprio
Speaking of Sharon Stone (which we were in the last entry), she’s rumored to have relieved Leonardo DiCaprio of his virginity when he was 17, during the filming of The Quick and the Dead, thus sending him along the road toward nailing every woman in Hollywood. Accordingly, he was often spotted squiring Hilton around town in 2000 as tabloid headlines blared about his affair with the socialite.

From Leonardo DiCaprio to Demi Moore
DiCaprio is also rumored to have dated Demi Moore in 1998, when she was still married to Bruce Willis, and then again in 2002, when she wasn’t. After her divorce and his broken engagement to Gisele Bunchen, the two were spotted in public displays of affection at various clubs, though each took care to arrive separately with separate groups of friends. One member of DiCaprio’s posse, Tobey Maguire, had a fling with Moore himself.

From Demi Moore to Emilio Estevez
Before her marriage to Willis, Demi Moore was engaged for three years to her St. Elmo’s Fire co-star Emilio Estevez before dumping him. Estevez is on record as saying, “I used to Google my name to see what came up — it hurt.” So, we’ll go easy on him here. But it is interesting that he recently cast Moore and himself in Bobby, his biopic about Robert F. Kennedy, as a lounge singer and her cuckolded husband.

From Emilio Estevez to Alisha Klass
As though her prodigious female ejaculation ability didn’t make her notable enough, porn star Alisha Klass claims to have bedded Estevez. Interestingly, the former Ron Jeremy protégé (and conquest) also dated Willis, which really got on Moore’s nerves, since Ashton Kutcher is obviously next on the list. Willis could just as easily fill this slot, then, but it’s just funnier to use Estevez, because then you can connect to Paula Abdul, and possibly even to MC Skat Kat, that animated rapping cat with whom she had such palpable sexual chemistry in her “Opposites Attract” video.

From Alisha Klass to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling
According to porn producer Adam Glasser — aka Seymore Butts — who dated Klass until their bitter breakup in 2000, she had a one-night stand with Howard Stern sidekick Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling to gain a recurring role on Stern’s show. (At least it wasn’t Baba Booey.) The joke’s on her, though. Before they broke up, she tattooed Glasser’s nom de porn on her ass. At least Johnny Depp could turn “Winona Forever” into “Wino Forever.” What do you do with “Seymour Butts”?

For the four most amazing — and frequently alarming — hookup chains, check out the article Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina on Cracked.com.

Also check out Who’s Dated Who, which was helpful in the research and from which I shamelessly swiped the above photos!



2 Responses to “Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: From Paris Hilton to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling”

  1. 1 hilly

    Apparently Ms. Klass had her old “Seymour” tattoo covered with a rainbow. Please don’t ask me how I know this.

  2. Bruce Willis should also get a lifetime achievement award for the many great films that he had ::


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