Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: From Paris Hilton to David Gest

24May08

Paris Hilton supposedly slept with Tom Sizemore, who’s alleged to have made a sex tape with Elizabeth Hurley, who was famously cuckqueaned by Hugh Grant, who presumably at least knows Bridget Jones author Helen Fielding, who co-wrote a celebrity-hookup book called Who’s Had Who, which heavily inspired the article I’ve got on Cracked right now called Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina. That article is trimmed down from a much longer work of scholarship involving an enormous spreadsheet including hundreds of names, names I’m revealing here in supplementary posts, names like Henry Kissinger, Arsenio Hall, José Canseco, George S. Patton, all five Spice Girls, and — yes — Kevin Bacon.

From Paris Hilton to Rick Salomon
Well, there’s pretty fair evidence that this happened. The videotape of it leaked all over the internet in 2003 and was released commercially by Salomon himself in 2005 as 1 Night in Paris, winning several Adult Video News awards. Know who else has won several AVN awards? Alisha Klass. So if she and Paris ever get together, they’ll have that to talk about. Oh, and what it’s like to screw your way into the media limelight, of course.

From Rick Salomon to Pamela Anderson
Having both appeared in infamous celebrity sex tapes, Salomon and Pamela Anderson had plenty in common, which blossomed into a strangely inevitable Vegas wedding and 10-week marriage late last year. From Anderson, one can of course link to Tommy Lee, and from Tommy Lee, one can link to hepatitis.

From Pamela Anderson to Scott Baio
Instead, however, we proceed to Scott Baio, the Wilmer Valderrama of his day. (A brief note here to Mr. Valderrama: Though you do not appear in any of these lines, we nevertheless applaud you, sir, for picking up the torch carried by David Spade and Mr. Baio before him. It is your inexplicable hookups with the hottest women in Hollywood—and your willingness to boast about them—that make this exercise possible.) Anyway, Baio banged Pamela Anderson back when she was still young and all-natural, so good for him.

From Scott Baio to Liza Minnelli
Young and all-natural is exactly not what Liza Minnelli was when she propositioned Baio a decade ago. “I really want your sperm,” the then-51-year-old diva told him. “You’re a talented, good-looking Italian guy. That’s what I want my child to be.” Apparently this works as a pick-up line — at least on sex-addicted former child stars. Baio says he was so flattered that he had to start dating her, and believe it or not, he rates a past-her-expiration-date Minnelli as better in bed than Denise Richards.

From Liza Minnelli to David Gest
It’s hard to believe David Gest would know for sure how good Liza Minnelli is in bed, though. One presumes that, being the creepy owner of one of the largest Judy Garland memorabilia collections in the world, he was merely trying to complete the collection by marrying her daughter. And it’s hard to imagine that a friend of Dorothy would have much interest in consummating the wedding. Yet, he launched a lawsuit against her during their divorce, claiming that she tried to give him herpes through unprotected sex. She tried, anyway.

For the four most amazing — and frequently alarming — hookup chains, check out the article Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina on Cracked.com.

Also check out Who’s Dated Who, which was helpful in the research and from which I shamelessly swiped the above photos!



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