Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: From Paris Hilton to Rod Stewart

25May08

Paris Hilton supposedly slept with Tom Sizemore, who’s alleged to have made a sex tape with Elizabeth Hurley, who was famously cuckqueaned by Hugh Grant, who presumably at least knows Bridget Jones author Helen Fielding, who co-wrote a celebrity-hookup book called Who’s Had Who, which heavily inspired the article I’ve got on Cracked right now called Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina. That article is trimmed down from a much longer work of scholarship involving an enormous spreadsheet including hundreds of names, names I’m revealing here in supplementary posts, names like Henry Kissinger, Arsenio Hall, José Canseco, George S. Patton, all five Spice Girls, and — yes — Kevin Bacon.

From Paris Hilton to Britney Spears
Hilton and Britney Spears were best friends for a while, seemingly based on a shared interest in flashing their uncovered genitals to paparazzi while getting into and out of cars. One former Hollywood publicist confirms that they were more than friends, and a UK tabloid claims they made out in a public toilet then spent the night together. Spears has also behaved like a jilted ex by threatening to leak video of Hilton making out with one of Spears’ female friends.

From Britney Spears to Fred Durst
After Spears denied dating Fred Durst in 2003, the Limp Bizkit frontman appeared on The Howard Stern Show to blab all about it. Durst says that he sipped her a love note while producing tracks for her, and she answered by popping by the studio braless, in a see-through shirt, and inviting him back to her place. Spears later publicly regretted getting involved with Durst, who responded by releasing a song she inspired entitled “Just Drop Dead.” Durst also apparently slept with Hilton, so we really didn’t need to mention the dirty details of Brit’s sex life, but Durst would have wanted us to.

From Fred Durst to Rachel Hunter
UK tabloids also link Durst to supermodel Rachel Hunter. The details are sketchy, but it’s eminently plausible. She’s also been linked to Liam Gallagher, Kip Winger, Mark McGrath, Wes Scantlin, Mark Hoppus, Wes Scantlin, and Steve Adler, who once achieved the unlikely feat of developing a bad enough drug habit to be thrown out of Guns ‘n’ Roses. And of course, she was married to Rod Stewart. It’s clear she likes musicians, although, judging by the output of some of her conquests, it’s arguable that she doesn’t like music much.

From Rachel Hunter to Rod Stewart
Really, there’s nothing that shameful about Stewart. Not only did he rock in his day, but he was quite the cocksman. We could go on to link to Britt Ekland, who would then connect Hilton not only to two of Hollywood’s most notorious pussyhounds, Warren Beatty and Ryan O’Neal, but also to The Pink Panther’s Peter Sellers and Stray Cats drummer “Slim” Jim Phantom. So why stop here? Because he’s the father of Kimberly Stewart, who’s not only one of Paris’ best friends, but also another of her alleged lesbian lovers. If it’s not icky enough to have two generations of the Stewart family within only a few degrees of Paris Hilton’s vagina, consider that she’s only a degree removed from her own sister, Nicky (through Brandon Davis), and only two from her father, Barron Hilton (though Robert Evans and Beverley Johnson).

For the four most amazing — and frequently alarming — hookup chains, check out the article Six Degrees of Paris Hilton: The Global Reach of One Vagina on Cracked.com.

Also check out Who’s Dated Who, which was helpful in the research and from which I shamelessly swiped the above photos!



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