Over at the Cracked blog, Dan O’Brien has written something on the subject of celebrities who might be comic book hero alter egos that is rather relevant to a conversation I had with Susan about a week ago. She and I were arguing the merits of Batman Forever, which she unaccountably likes and which I regard as an atrocity against the Batman franchise — or Batrocity, as the old TV series would surely have had it. One of its many flaws, I said, is that Val Kilmer wears eyeglasses in his guise as Bruce Wayne, although he didn’t habitually do this in the comics. Clearly director Joel Schumacher simply mixed him up with Clark Kent, forgetting that Bruce Wayne doesn’t need to wear glasses because he wears a mask as Batman. She argued that wearing glasses was in line with Bruce Wayne’s image as an intellectual and philanthropist.

But here’s the thing: That wasn’t really his image. Well, occasionally, he was portrayed that way, but just as often, it was quite the opposite. Before he set himself up as fodder for Gotham tabloids as an aging bachelor with an ambiguous relationship to an adopted orphan boy, Bruce Wayne went out of the way to cultivate the image of a frivolous, incompetent socialite. After all, one of the first things people ask about Batman, besides why he dresses up as a giant bat, is where he gets those wonderful toys, and this might lead them to give a hard look at local men with vast financial resources. As a scion of one of Gotham’s leading families, Bruce Wayne would probably have drawn attention anyway, but if he constructs an image as a womanizing boob bent on squandering the hard-gotten family fortune, who could possibly suspect a jerk like that of being a brilliant and finely trained defender of the public good?

And when I was explaining this, I came to a horrible realization that, when I could bring myself to utter it, caused Susan’s mouth to drop open with shock: Spencer Pratt is Batman.

Or, if not Spencer Pratt, then Brody Jenner. Or maybe even Brandon “Firecrotch” Davis. But Spencer Pratt is my current favorite candidate thanks to his recent appearance on The Late Show, in which he came off so badly and was so thoroughly clowned by David Letterman that one can only conclude he wanted it that way. Even his name — Pratt — seems chosen to convey the image of a total dolt. Young Hollywood is currently so full of vapid idiots from rich families who seem to be famous for no particular reason that it’s startlingly probable that one or more of them is deliberately constructing just such a decadent, incompetent public image as a male celebutard to conceal a secret career as a crimefighter. With their gym-buffed muscles, most of these lunkheads even seem to be in decent shape too; hell, Batman is often mentioned to be an Olympic-level athlete, and Brody Jenner’s dad was an Olympic decathlete.

I don’t know how to feel about this. If I were trapped in a warehouse fire only to have Spencer Pratt shoot a grappling hook into the rafters and swing on a Bat-line to snatch me from the flames, it would certainly be a lucky turn of events. Yet, in my brief exposure to him, I’ve found him so thoroughly loathsome that I’m pretty sure I’d knee him in the groin and release my grip on him to fall to my certain demise in the inferno below. I just don’t think I could live in a world where Spencer Pratt was Batman. I can barely live in one where he’s famous.

7 Responses to “Prattman”

  1. 1 Matt

    I hadn’t even heard of this guy before this post, but I hate him already.

    “Spencer’s the man.”
    “For what?”

  2. 2 Grom

    If you think that’s bad, think about Paris Hilton as batwoman.

  3. I wouldn’t mind thinking about Paris Hilton as Catwoman. In fact, I probably will be thinking about that for a while.

  4. 4 Scott

    I will think of Paris Hilton as Hatwoman.

  5. 5 Scott

    If my img tag had shown up I bet it would’ve been cool.

  6. 6 Matt

    I would think of her as Fatwoman.

  7. 7 Peter Lynn

    I’m hoping that Paris Hilton is actually Batgirl, but only because I relish the idea of her eventually being shot, paralyzed, and confined to a wheelchair for life.

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