I hate old people


I don’t hate old people, actually. But I have a theory that the phrase “I hate old people” will get a lot of Google hits. Actually, aside from “how much do bank tellers make” and “jamaica large black penis”, a lion’s share of my hits come from the phrase “I hate Mike Love”,* and since the Beach Boys singer is 67, I do hate at least one old person. And since he’s probably not the only senior citizen I dislike, I guess it can be said that I do in fact hate old people.

But it usually isn’t reflected in my behavior, or at least it wasn’t until recently. The other week, I was at my fencing practice and one of the coaches, who’s tight-lipped about his age but is probably in his sixties or even seventies was lacing up a new pair of shoes. Is there even any point in buying new things at that age? I wondered. They’ll probably outlast him. Then I felt bad.

Also, while out for a walk along a waterfront path with my girlfriend a couple of days ago, we kept encountering elderly couples. I couldn’t stop thinking that a fun thing to do would be to exchange polite smiles and quiet hellos to them as we passed, and then, as soon as we were by them, hiss to my girlfriend in a loud whisper, “Let’s never be like that.” (Not even specifying what that might entail makes it all the better. Old? Fat? Slow-moving? Reeking of urine?)

Later, we were in a dollar store, and among the balloons, candles, and other party favours was a blue ribbon that read “Birthday Boy”. I almost bought it. This would have gone along perfectly with something I’ve been wanting to do recently: randomly shake hands with senior citizens and announce, “Congratulations! You are old! You are one of life’s winners! You have made it to the finish line!”

* Today’s disturbing search strings are “men in hotpants” and “man piss on a cunt”. What is wrong with you people?

One Response to “I hate old people”

  1. Men Piss on a Cunt… I might have to steal that one for a post title one day for something. Maybe something about Jello wrestling midgets banging prostitutes as a method of penis enlargement and to make huge amounts of money.

    Now that was totally random, and perhaps hitworthy in and of itself.

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