The Banter Report


Royal Bank branch at Pape and Danforth

Young female teller: How would you like your cash?
Me: I’ll take a single $470 bill, please. No, wait … a $460 bill and a ten.

Teller smiles and offers 940 rolls of pennies as an alternative. Teller then gets flustered when late-arriving girlfriend suddenly appears at my side and interrupts flirtatious banter.  (I didn’t realize it was flirtatious banter, but evidently I am the only one who didn’t.) Flustered teller accidentally says “You’re welcome” when I bid her “Have a good weekend” at end of transaction.

* * *

It’s My Party, a party shop at Chester and Danforth with an impressive variety of morbid Halloween costumes and decorations

Me: What’s behind that door that says “Must be 18 to enter”?
Butch, harried-looking saleswoman: Adult toys.
Me: Are they spooky adult toys?

Terse “No.”

* * *

Subway sandwich shop at Mt. Pleasant and Eglinton

Sandwich Artist: What would you like on your sandwich?
Me: May I please have lettuce, green pepper, onion, apple, tomatoes, pickles, and black onions?

Sandwich artist is briefly startled, then laughs. A brief discussion of the merit of apples as a sandwich ingredient ensues, in which I put forward that a ham, apple, and Swiss cheese on rye is actually quite tasty. Cold Cut Combo is subsequently built upside-down.

14 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 Eric

    Did you by any chance donate these black onions to Subway after finding them in the fridge?

  2. 2 Peter Lynn

    Hmm. I meant to write “olives” there. I actually threw out my black onions.

  3. 3 Suzie hearts Toronto

    I like that you used the term “sandwich artist.” I always wonder if the workers at Subway have delusions of grandeur when I see that on a help wanted sign, but I guess “sandwich monkey” lacks panache. Ohh, my next sandwich is going to get spat in, right there behind the sneeze guard.

  4. Will this post by any chance become a regular feature of your blog? Because if so–awesome.

    Suzie: I’ve heard people at Subway called “‘wich bitch”, “hoagie troll” and “sangwich wench”. I’d rather be called “sandwich monkey”.

  5. 5 Mully

    They have “Sandwich Artist” on their shirts in New Zealand. I always thought it was a good use of their Arts degrees, frankly.

  6. 6 Peter Lynn

    This will only be a regular feature if I can become reliably witty and charming.

  7. 7 Riley

    You could call it, “Things that I had no reason not to say, and I said them, and then people said stuff back.”

    That way, wit and charm are pleasant surprises rather than necessary ingrediants.

  8. 8 Peter Lynn

    This morning, a co-worker was telling me about a time when she was intoxicated and had a conversation in fluent French, which she hadn’t realized that she could do until then.

    I said, “Sometimes being drunk gives you superpowers. One time I fell off a roof and wasn’t hurt at all.”

    She thought this was pretty funny, and that I was pretty funny.

  9. Do you remember the Good Ol’ Days at Subway, where they used to cut a v-shaped trench out of the top of your sandwich, put the toppings in there, and then replace the top, thereby ensuring your toppings will never, ever slide out? Those sure were some good old days, those.

  10. 10 Peter Lynn

    I hear that if you ask for it, they’ll still do it! But maybe the Sandwich Artist behind the counter has to be old-school; it may be a lost art.

  11. It’s the sort of thing I picture Sean Connery having to come out from the back and do with a sword while dressed like a Spaniard.

  12. 12 nkspas

    Wow, so funny… I second this becoming a regular feature. MORE OF THESE!

    Also, I love the term Sandwich Artist. Although I disagree with it being attached to every Subway employee’s shirt. No, I think you should have to earn it. For example, doing any of these things disqualifies you:
    – when I say “extra pickles” and you put like two handfuls of 30+ pickles on there. NO!
    – when I say “not much mayo” and you put like four lines of mayo on there. NO!
    – when I say “banana peppers” and you put all those ones with the hard white core on there that you can’t really bite through. NO!

  13. I always seem to get more mayo and mustard than I want, even though I’ve always asked for only a little. The last time I ordered, I specified “one squirt” and mimed applying the condiment with one sweep of my arm while squeezing my hand as though squeezing a bottle. That got me about as much as I wanted, so you might try that.

  14. 14 Grant

    Sandwich artists always give lots of mayo & mustard b/c it’s cheap & they hope that when it ooozes out the sides when your bite, that you get distracted from the fact that there’s probably really nothing sustantial (eg. Meat) on your sandwich anyway …..

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