The Banter Report
Because you asked for it …
Subway sandwich shop at Mt. Pleasant and Eglinton
Different Sandwich Artist than last time: What would you like on your sandwich?
Me: May I please have lettuce, green pepper, onion, tomatoes, pickles, and ten black olives?
Sandwich Artist ignores request, plopping handful of black olives on sandwich. I decide against complaint; I hadn’t asked for ten black olive slices, and amount received might have actually equalled ten whole black olives, depending on Sandwich Artist’s ability to accurately gauge amount gathered in a single handful (though odds seem against this). Girlfriend later suggests more appropriate response to receiving inexact count of olives might have been to begin screaming and flapping my arms like an autistic child.
* * *
Birthday party of girlfriend’s friend in Liberty Village area.
Friend of girlfriend’s friend: Andrea’s told me a lot about you.
Me: Really? What did she say?
Friend of girlfriend’s friend: Oh, not much. Only good things.
Me: Well, she certainly couldn’t have told you very much if she stuck to saying only good things.
Incremental increase in development of image as dashing rogue. Martini glass subsequently sipped while cocking eyebrow.
* * *
Girl carrying enormous basket of candy: Peter, would you like some Hallowe’en candy?
Me: May I have … all of the candy?
Request denied. One fun-size Kit-Kat subsequently eaten while sulking at my desk. Small child wanders through office dressed as pirate, but am too grumpy to ask if she is in office because she is a software pirate.
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