Such a thing is sometimes done in Germanic countries


On Saturday night, I went to a Halloween party, and I think I was probably the most wholesome person there. I was, after all, dressed as milk. My girlfriend and I threw our costumes together at the last minute, so I gave her a sexy black cat kit that I had left over from when I was a sexy black tomcat a few years ago. I wore white, put a bowl on my head, and taped a sign to my chest that said GOT ME? in a careful replication of the font used in the National Milk Processor Board ads. My girlfriend also used baby powder to give me a white moustache, though it didn’t last beyond my first couple of drinks. My bowl-of-milk costume went over pretty well for such a half-assed costume, but only because it was part of a team effort. Without my girlfriend validating the concept by posing for photos licking my face, I’d have just been the creep wandering around leering, “My name’s milk. I do your body good.”

Anyway, there was this girl there who didn’t come across nearly as wholesome, in that her costume was just basically an excuse for a whole bunch of crude sexual references. She was dressed as a construction worker, and she had WANDA’S CREW written on her shirt. It turned out her name wasn’t Wanda, though it took me until the next morning to completely work out that this was a tortured pun on “Want to screw?” (The host told me, and I agree, that he didn’t think the pun quite worked on a phonetic level; even if you really slur the phrase, you won’t elide the d enough.) She also had a condom taped to the front of her hard hat, and a tool belt full of goodies such as a set of anal beads and a very veiny and lifelike nine-and-a-half-inch long black rubber phallus, which I soon found myself in the awkward position of holding and politely agreeing that it was very nice and just the kind I like.

It being a Halloween party, it’s natural that spirits were imbibed. So I can’t remember exactly what Not-Wanda said or what I said. All I can remember is this: First, she could not have possibly given me a more golden opportunity to shower her with references to people urinating on each other for sexual purposes. It’s like she had asked me to name a bathroom fixture made of a precious metal. It would have been virtually impossible not to say the words “golden shower”.

And second, I’m not saying that, dressed like that, she was really asking for it, but I think it would be reasonable to expect that someone who would choose that sort of Halloween outfit would be comfortable with this bit of innuendo, which I hope I have established was pretty much obligatory. I should mention that my girlfriend was right beside me, and Not-Wanda wasn’t my type at all, so it was basically as innocent as a remark about golden showers can possibly be. Basically, it would have been inappropriate not to mention it.

So I said what I had to say, and at first she didn’t get it. So then I had to explain my innuendo, which is never good. And then she got unexpectedly frigid, and there was a distinct awkward pause before conversation resumed. So apparently I’d somehow misjudged my audience and completely crossed the line. I don’t know. Maybe she didn’t even know people did that sort of thing. You’d have thought I’d actually abruptly exposed myself and started urinating on her instead of just casually mentioning that such a thing was sometimes done in Germanic countries.

Even if I’d completely misunderstood the intent of her costume, which, as I’ve said, contained a fairly blatant sexual come-on, I still wouldn’t have mistook this party for a church social or anything. A lot of drinks got spilled, and there was a little recreational substance abuse in the back yard. There were also some people who wandered in off the street who no one seemed to even know. Some girl on drugs kept staging dramatic faints and almost smashing her head on things as she fell, which made the host pretty nervous. Later, I learned a fence got knocked down, which is good and bad news for the host since he never wanted it there in the first place but now it looks like he knocked it down on purpose and will have to explain this to the landlord. So, it was that kind of party. It just apparently wasn’t the kind of party where you talk about golden showers.

6 Responses to “Such a thing is sometimes done in Germanic countries”

  1. 1 mina

    Obviously, you grossly misinterpreted the young lady’s costume. Wanda’s Crew is a local church’s Habitats for Humanity chapter. That condom was actually an individually wrapped communion wafer, and those were rosary beads, of course. The dildo, however, I cannot explain.

    Maybe you were unknowingly dressed as a bowl of warm milk. Perhaps you were sleepy in addition to slightly inhebriated. Either way, it was an honest mistake.

  2. 2 Scott

    Even though you’re Peter Lynn, a guy whose name is as synonymous for misjudging a female audience as Peter Lynn’s is for kites, I’m siding with you on this one.

  3. 3 Peter Lynn

    So, just to keep score, Scott, your dictionary definition for “Peter Lynn” looks like this:

    Peter Lynn
    1 : a fat person
    2 : a simultaneous sneeze and fart
    3 : someone who misjudges a female audience

  4. 4 Scott

    I think that’s it… so far. Language does have a way of evolving, you see.

  5. 5 Peter Lynn

    … along with your obvious and growing disdain for me.

  6. 6 Scott

    When’s the last time you sent me flowers?

    I use 1 very infrequently and it’s always “a real Peter Lynn” when it gets used. 2 is the one that I use regularly. 3 shouldn’t actually be in the official definition but I do use “Peter Lynn glasses” for old, out of style, large glasses.

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