The Banter Report


Perfume and makeup counter, Shopper’s Drug Mart at Pape and Danforth

Perfume girl: May I help you with anything?
Me: I really like this one called Tester, but I don’t want to buy the same bottle everyone’s been using. Do you have an unopened box of it?

Confusion at first, then merriment. I subsequently ask about another bottle called Démonstrateur and am told that it is French and very good.


* * *

Undisclosed location.

Older acquaintance: Speaking of John Belushi, he and Dan Aykroyd made this comedy years ago called Neighbors. It was kind of a black comedy. You know what a black comedy is, right?
Me: Oh yeah, like that one in the barbershop! Or those Friday movies.

Unnecessarily long explanation that what is actually meant by a “black comedy” is a satire in which taboo subjects are treated with morbid humour. Lecture is so tedious that I imagine taking off my belt to hang myself, only to have my pants fall down.

* * *

Paupers Pub, Bloor and Bathurst area

Girfriend [in sentimental mood]: You’re the perfect combination of hard and soft for me. Every other guy I’ve dated has been either an asshole or a pussy. You’re right in between.
Me: So, then I’m a perineum?

Delighted girlfriend says, “Good one, honey!” Discussion then ensues about whether the “taint” is an Australian term for the perineum or merely a kind of gross and low-class one, as well as girlfriend’s fervent hope that none of her previous ex-boyfriends ever hear about this discussion.

3 Responses to “The Banter Report”

  1. 1 Scott

    I will NOT be adding “perineum” to my list of Peter Lynn definitions.

  2. I think you should have a shirt made on this perineum thing. I mean, a shirt that says “perineum,” not a shirt for your perineum.

    I once delivered a lecture on the subject of black comedy to a girl I was dating in high school. I told her those were my favorite type of comedies only to get a “I feel truly sorry for you.” We didn’t go out very long. Sigh. Now I feel pedantic and foolish. Thanks, Peter.

  3. I should have a shirt made for my perineum.

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