The Banter Report
Perfume and makeup counter, Shopper’s Drug Mart at Pape and Danforth
Perfume girl: May I help you with anything?
Me: I really like this one called Tester, but I don’t want to buy the same bottle everyone’s been using. Do you have an unopened box of it?
Confusion at first, then merriment. I subsequently ask about another bottle called Démonstrateur and am told that it is French and very good.
* * *
Older acquaintance: Speaking of John Belushi, he and Dan Aykroyd made this comedy years ago called Neighbors. It was kind of a black comedy. You know what a black comedy is, right?
Me: Oh yeah, like that one in the barbershop! Or those Friday movies.
Unnecessarily long explanation that what is actually meant by a “black comedy” is a satire in which taboo subjects are treated with morbid humour. Lecture is so tedious that I imagine taking off my belt to hang myself, only to have my pants fall down.
* * *
Paupers Pub, Bloor and Bathurst area
Girfriend [in sentimental mood]: You’re the perfect combination of hard and soft for me. Every other guy I’ve dated has been either an asshole or a pussy. You’re right in between.
Me: So, then I’m a perineum?
Delighted girlfriend says, “Good one, honey!” Discussion then ensues about whether the “taint” is an Australian term for the perineum or merely a kind of gross and low-class one, as well as girlfriend’s fervent hope that none of her previous ex-boyfriends ever hear about this discussion.
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